The implications of “knowing” what to expect after a mistake ripple.
All this blogging about mistakes reminded me of an incident that occured some time ago. I realize that most of life isn’t this obvious, and that the back and forth of relationships produce much more subtle exchanges, but it will allow me to illustrate something that I think about with regards to why we fear mistakes so much:
I was helping to host a birthday part for a 7 year old child’s birthday party…mostly of boys. You can imagine the energy and noise level of the room—double that, and you’ll come close. The time came for the boys to sit down for hot dogs, chips and drinks…the chosen menu of most birthday boys that age.
Just because they’re sitting down to eat, doesn’t actually mean they’ll eat. They don’t, really. Much too excited about being together at this occasion—too much joking around, too much trying to impress the others with bravado, too much giggling to take time to eat. But they putter with their food and the noise goes on (and when they calm down at home right after the party, they eat cereal cuz they’re starving). These boys are not sitting still…they struggle to remain in their chairs, but they alternate between being on their knees and sitting down—lots of wriggling and jiggling…it’s the stuff of seven year old birthday parties the world over.
One more crucial ingredient to that occasion and this story…”swamp water”. Oh, the passionate cleverness and bravery little boys have as they don’t want coke, orange pop, 7-up or root beer—they want a mixture of it all. Being courageous enough to have swamp water with it’s unknown combination of flavors has boys imagining themselves adventurous as “Indiana Jones”. Having already anticipated this request, I fancy myself one step ahead of them, and have a pitcher at hand, ready to make “swamp” (when you’re 7 and cool, you don’t even say the “water” part) in bulk, to increase efficiency of serving.
I’m watching the table full of little boys, pretending to eat, but really having the time of their lives…when it happens. In the joyful exuberance of childhood, one child tells a story using his arms for emphasis, and the his cup of swam goes flying.
This is inevitable. I get that. Not a matter of “if” a spill happens, but really a matter of “when”. I am prepared. I have a towel over my shoulder at the ready, for exactly this moment.
The cup, on its side, with the liquid spreading rapidly is on the other side of the table from where I am standing. I grab the towel over my shoulder and reach quickly across the table—I’m going to try to catch the spreading mess before it starts to seep over the edge of table onto the chairs, floor and all over little boys.
That’s when the crux of this story happens. The offending little boy who has just spilled his drink sees my outstretched arm swooping towards his general direction, and he cries out and shrinks back–hard and quickly making himself very small and very distant–well out of my arm’s reach.
He thinks I’m taking a swing at him. He assumes I’m furious at the spill, and I’m going to make him pay. He cringes, waiting to be struck.
In a split second, it’s over. The towel gets spread over the spill, my hand well short of him, and he realizes he’s safe. The birthday boy sitting next to him, bless his soul, calmly says to him, “Don’t worry. We all mistakes.” And the event continues.
Somewhere in that little boy’s life, he learned to be frightened of grownup’s arms swooping towards him, in a way his little companion has not. He knows how to take reflexive action to reduce the possibility of him being hurt by reacting hard and fast to get himself out of harm’s way. He learned mistakes aren’t safe–and now he reacts to all mistakes in a frightened way.
Some observations (as only a therapist can):
-the little boy overlearned the principal, and was applying it to situations that felt dangerous, but really weren’t. There was no way he could know that it wouldn’t have occurred to me to hurt him for the spill. Don’t think he had a chance to learn that day, as, for all he knew, he wasn’t hit because he jumped aside successfully. How can he learn that? (The world, in fact, does sometimes take a swing at mistakes–for sure…but statistically, violence is far less likely to happen than some sort of other response. The birthday boy recognizes this…and for him, the world is a very different place. Two very different ways of responding to a mistake–one anxiety filled and fearful, the other relaxed and calm).
-the little boy may spend a lifetime jumping away from things that are fearful…what will he miss out on as he jumps aside. He may keep himself safe, but what opportunities will pass him by?
-the effect on the other is powerful. To every action, there is a reaction, and a reaction to that. I felt awful to know that my actions had terrified the little guy. I felt badly, and had to process the bad feeling I had inside–I didn’t like to see him cringe away from me–it took a while before I realized (and I could so easily in this situation because of its clarity) that he wasn’t cringing from ME…but from previous experiences. What if it hadn’t been so obvious…the other walks away confused and guilty at having hurt someone they care about–but unclear as to what they did wrong.
-the effect on the other is powerful. I was much more gentle for the rest of the event with him, knowing now, how easily he could be frightened. What kind of effect would that have on others when there is such a fear of being punished by the other after a mistake? People will change how they respond to him, not joke or challenge him, perhaps let him get away with little errors (which sets him up for bigger ones) and so on.
-carrying it one step further…in a marriage, when one sees the other one shrink back to avoid punishment…it feels like distancing. When a spouse watches the other distance for reasons unknown, then, quite frankly, the most common response is anger…”Why are you pulling away from me? How dare you pull away when I am reaching out to you!”. And then…the reason for the withdrawal is confirmed and the prophecy of danger-anticipation is fulfilled…”I knew it was dangerous. I knew she’d be mad at me. Lucky thing I pulled back”. And an ugly cycle begins.
That little guy “knew” what was going to happen after he spilled his drink…or at least, he thought he did. But he was wrong in his assumption…what he thought would happen wasn’t going to happen that day. He was a little kid…7 years old…doing the best he could to protect himself.
But the rest of us…do we operate on what we “know” will happen? We are adults, with greater ability to support, comfort and protect ourselves. Do we really consider the rest of the possibilities and consider other outcomes of a frightening action? Can we contemplate reactions we can have that can protect ourselves in more adaptive ways than just avoiding, running away, cringing from what we anticipate is certain punishment?
Take a look at where you withdraw and what is behind the withdrawal. Notice what happens when you withdraw. Consider other alternatives besides withdrawing, supporting yourself and taking measures to ensure that you remain safe…see what happens when you change your reactions.
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