I went to the nutrition class in gym.  I have a computer with Google.

So, I have knowledge about what my body needs and what is healthy and good, but I often eat when I’m not hungry, and I’m usually not overeating with fruits and veggies.

Simply, I use food for things other than nutrition.

My point is: knowledge is not enough to make healthy food choices.

In the same way, I think a lot of people have some knowledge about interest rates, and lines of credit, but it doesn’t mean that good money choices are inevitable. I’m thinking that we need to look at what’s underneath the debt.

We need to look for the underlying reasons why we spend more than we make.

And as a therapist, I always assume when people come to me with a problem, that there is an important underlying reason for the issue to arise.

So let’s begin with this premise:

Nobody sets out to go into debt irresponsibly

Somehow, there is some way that there is more important reason (often unconscious—beyond our conscious awareness) to over-spend, than to spend responsibly.

My belief is that overspending solves a problem of some sort, even if it creates another problem—debt.

Brené Brown, in her 2009 TED talk that went viral, said, very clearly:

Here are 4 reasons why we spend money and go into debt.

1. Problem: We don’t feel good about ourselves.

Non-solution: We spend to feel better about ourselves.

So… all of us who are capable of empathy, of caring for another human being…and of wondering what others are thinking and feeling…we all struggle with feeling “enough”.

Part of living in this world is that we don’t feel skinny enough, rich enough, smart enough, successful enough compared to other people. Even highly successful people don’t feel enough.  Even supermodels don’t feel “beautiful” enough.

The feeling of shame is part of being human.

And we live in a world that takes advantage of this:

Men…you may not get fashion magazines, but there is advertising for new cars, new clothes, gym fitness, Starbucks and so on…spend money on this, and then you won’t be such a loser.  Buy that, and then people will see that you really are cool.

The marketing agencies of this world prey on our brokenness…on our “not feeling enough” to get us to spend money.

And it works.

2. 2. Problem: We hate feeling guilty. We hate seeing other people hurt…

Non-solution:  We use money to say: “I want you to feel better”

Many years ago, the day after my former husband left our home, my oldest Junior Tribe Member, who was in Grade 5 at the time, came to me, and with frightened tears said: “Mommy, promise me that you won’t do what J’s parents did? When they split, they each bought him a really big TV and nice clothes and one of them bought him a really fancy gaming system.”

When I asked him about this, the JTM wailed:  “I’m scared that you’ll spend money on us because you feel sorry for us—and then we will end up as hoboes because we won’t be able to afford living here.”

Out of the mouths of babes, eh?  Now, to my knowledge, J wasn’t living as a hobo with either of his parents, but my JTM instinctively knew, and feared, a parent’s desire to remove a child’s pain over here, by spending over there.

He also instinctively knew of the sort of problems that  type of “make up spending” can get us into.

We do that with our kids…he doesn’t make the school team, so we take him out for dinner instead.  She has a run in with the mean girls (and girls can be soooo mean), so her mom takes her to the mall to cheer her up.

Couples do this all the time, too…they say with money what they need to be saying in words.

She feels badly about all the extra hours she is spending at work, so she surprises him with a trip away that they can’t afford.  Or he feels badly for the porn he’s been secretly watching, so he purchases some extravagant perfume to assuage his guilt.

Or we use spending money to punish another person, because is easier than having hard conversations…She is angry that he works so late…so she goes to Grand Forks with the girls on the weekend and spends as much as she wants to show him she doesn’t need him around to have a good time.

3. Problem: Discomfort. We don’t like to hurt. Fear is uncomfortable. Vulnerability is excruciating

Non-solution: Buy something to stop hurting and fear

Don’t we just all want the hurt to go away?

In this world of “instant”, we want to stop pain-and now.  And we can instantly distract ourselves away from the discomfort with a latte, a new pair of shoes, or looking forward to going the concert.

We can spend money on things that will add an additional layer of numbing…video game systems, one more phone app, online porn subscriptions, alcohol, gambling or cheesecake.

It’s not cheap to numb ourselves.

Nobody wakes up in the morning deciding to sabotage themselves by spending themselves into a numb stupor.

But sometimes it’s almost impossible to bear the pain of being alive…of having lost the promotion, the stress of all the exams, the worry over your child’s poor choices, the concern you will lose your job, or the death of a loved one.

These are legitimate fears and sources of real pain.

Spending some money to ease the pain might actually help in the short term…only to come crashing down harder when the fear and pain increase when you look at the credit card envelope and aren’t even sure you dare to open it.

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And now…here’s the rub:

4. Problem: We spend money to avoid the pain, and then the debt creates its own pain…and shame.

Non-Solution:  The thing about shame is that we like to keep it a secret.

Nobody likes to talk about debt.

Silence, secrecy and judgement grow shame…and that’s often the response to debt.

And as hard as it is to admit it to others, even more, I think, we don’t want to admit out of control debt to ourselves.

So…denial is hugely tempting.

• the Visa or Mastercard bill go unopened to avoid the bad news.
• the interest rates are exorbitant, and you might consider a consolidation loan at the bank, but to do that you’d have to pull all the financials together at one time and it would be too depressing and/or stressful and so you don’t.

To look at the debt honestly creates vulnerable and painful feelings which you’d want to avoid…and maybe even go shop for another pair of shoes or another meal out to feel better.

The secrecy around shame means we don’t get around to dealing with it…and it gets worse.

It’s so hard to come clean with overspending.  Nobody likes saying, “I screwed up financially” because it sounds far too close to, “I am a screw up”.

Take a look at  Part 2, where we look at how to address these debt in ways that acknowledge the underlying dynamics of debt.