Post-summer parenting shame

It’s that time of year again, where parents pull out school supply lists and dust off indoor shoes to see if they still fit for the upcoming year.  Lazy summer routines make way for structure, and boxes of KD head back to the pantry in favor of bagged lunches and portable snacks.

For some people, it’s the most wonderful time of the year.  It means the end of keeping bored kids busy, of scrounging change for slurpees, and a blessed return to the structure of a school calendar.

For others, it’s a time where they lament the lazy, hazy days of summer where children played and adults relaxed with a drink by the beach.

For many it’s a mix of both.

What it can be for a lot of parents, too, is a time where post-summer shame kicks in.  As colleagues return to the office from their weeks away and kids make their way back to school, the summer activities are reviewed and compared.  It seems the days of letting kids run loose around the neighborhood with local kids are gone, with structured camps, day trips, and sometimes elaborate family holidays taking center stage.

What some people may not realize is how the end of summer can weigh heavy on the hearts of parents, as they step back and take stock of what they did (or didn’t) do.

A few conversations with mom friends confirmed a truth I had already suspected.  Lurking sneakily beneath the surface as we chat about the upcoming school year, I hear it.

In lingers in heavy sighs and tired eyes, and surfaces in every conversation about the upcoming end of summer.

It’s the dreaded parent-guilt.

As we compared the events of this summer to last, one friend wondered, “Did I do enough to make it feel like summer break?  We went on a 3 week vacation last year, and this year we stayed home.”  For another friend, the demands of work were dramatically increased over the summer months – which meant more time in daycare and less ‘fun’ time with mom for her young ones. She too has looked back with regret – and perhaps a side of fear, wondering if her kids begrudge the summertime schedule.  As I think of my own summer and of the interruptions of regular life that didn’t pay heed to the short sunny season we have – I found myself tempted to ‘make up’ for the parts of the break that really didn’t deliver for my own crew.

When did summer break turn into a two month long event?

And when did we start getting scored on our performance?

I am curious what would happen if we were to look back on the summer with a side of “que sera sera”, rather than with a dip in deep pools of regret.  How would we feel about the transition to a new season of school if we were able to step back and realize summer is over and done, and there is not a think we can do to change it.

What if we were to give ourselves a break and stop comparing the events of our summer to those around us?  

Maybe that sleepover in the backyard that you thought was amazing, until you heard of a friend’s two week trip to Florida, really was as special as you thought it was.  Perhaps puddle jumping or frog hunting or that singular s’mores episode were all you had in you.  Maybe you were stressed out to the max, and simply signed your kid up for every daycamp out there so you could simply. get. through.  Or perhaps yours was the kid who stayed home and watched TV every day while you worked, because there were no room for extras in the budget.

Your summer could have been great.  Or maybe it was total crap.

Could we, parents, take a collective deep breath, and give ourselves permission to have done the best with what we had at the time?  

Could we stop kicking ourselves for all that we didn’t do, and give pause to think of one thing this summer we enjoyed?

It doesn’t have to be something worthy of an Instagram post, just something that filled your heart with some measure of joy.  Even if it was dropping your kids off at overnight camp.  And while you’re at it, maybe hug your kids.  Or ask them about their day, or their favorite summer memory.

Whether it’s summer or spring, or the dark days of winter that are coming, what would happen if we compared less and showed up more for those we love?

Let’s give ourselves permission to opt out of the event-based, one-upping culture that we so often get tangled in and give space to celebrate what we have to offer, no matter how big or small it seems.

And while you’re at it, why don’t you take a moment and share something about your own summer that stood out for you – parents or not.  We’d love to celebrate the small things with you.