Do we know how to sit in pain, discomfort, uncertainty and confusion?
Uh…that’s a hard one.
Do we want to know?
Nope…that’s an easy one. No.
Do we have a choice?
Sigh…that’s an easy one too. No choice, nope.
There was a time in my life years ago, when I was in a dark place…my world had fallen apart, didn’t know how I was gonna put it back together. I’d lost much of my life as I knew it, and I had really liked my life…and now it was in pieces.
- I had a roof over my head…but didn’t know how I would be able to keep it there. I had food in the cupboard…this month, but wasn’t certain about next.
- I slept only a few hours each night…after lying awake for hours worrying, I’d fall to sleep sometime after 1 or 2, and woke up by 5 with nervous energy and worry starting up again.
- I wasn’t eating well, and for the first and only time in my life, slipped below what was considered a healthy weight.
The hungry feeling in my gut at times felt strangely soothing…because when it was bad, it sorta drowned out the terrified feeling that was there all the time.
It was a hard time. Really hard.
There were a few times, when the internal pain was so intense, I would grab huge handfuls of my hair with both hands and pull…hard. It provided this odd sort of strange relief to feel this pain on the outside of my body for brief periods.
Like I said it was hard.
But I. didn’t. die.
It didn’t kill me. (though at times, I could hardly imagine another minute existing like that)
Even though sometimes I might have thought that difficult time would do me in…it didn’t.
And I think a part of me knew it wouldn’t…and that helped (just a little, tho).
I knew it wouldn’t because about a decade before that, two members of my family died suddenly…and that was a hard time too…buckets of tears were shed, and it was weeks before I smiled again, months before I laughed…but the laughter came back.
And I knew then, that life might be hard, but hard times don’t kill people, even when it feels like they will.
The other reason I knew is because of my day job…I was a therapist, and even in the darkness, found a way to show up at the clinic to do therapy. My clients…they would show up to face the ugliness, pain and uncertainty in their lives…and so I showed up with them. It was hard some days…but it was good for me to engage.
I would watch them be brave. I would watch them tell me hard stories…and I would feel their courage. I would see them be vulnerable. I would be encouraged by how they faced their challenges past and present…and those clients helped keep me going.
I heard stories, remarkable stories or courage, kindness in the face of adversity, compassion to another in the midst of a difficult time…and being in the presence of that sort of beauty and strength of human spirit, it helped me create a space for my own pain, discomfort, confusion and uncertainty.
I had a few songs I’d listen to over and over in my car when I drove, there was one friend I would call on my way to teaching a morning of class when I wasn’t sure how I’d get through it, there was a few pictures in my head that gave me strength to live in a world of sadness and get through what I needed to during the day.
We’re all in this world together. And there isn’t enough bubble wrap that exists that protect a person from the disappointments, loss, pain and frustrations of this world. Part of living on this planet means that there are times when it’s gonna get real hard.
Not gonna happen that anybody gets a free pass of never ending joy in this life.
And yet, fast-acting Tylenol, instant gum-numbing relief of Anbesol, epidurals, 5 tips to cure depression, 3 ways to eliminate anxiety etc. all serve to give us the false illusion that we can and should numb pain instantly.
What it means is that lotsa folk in the Western world think that pain is optional.
It’s not.
And worse yet, if we find ourselves experiencing emotional pain, we feel like there’s something wrong with us.
There’s not.
S’funny how we can think that as well balanced North Americans, we shouldn’t be struggling, things shouldn’t get us down, we should have strategies to stay even keeled, and we should be “bullet proof”.
One of the tasks of therapy is to learn to sit in the pain and build capacity to tolerate it as something that is difficult but not unendurable, hard but not intolerable.
Very hard. yes.
Impossible. no.
I spoke to some office staff last week of a large organization that often take calls from folks in distress. I told them that if they are speaking to people having difficulty, trying to “jolly them up” or change the topic to something away from that which hurts…well, it minimizes their pain, and distances them from other people…simply put, it doesn’t help. It’s implicitly saying, “Don’t feel this way. You’re doing it wrong. You’re making me uncomfortable. Stop feeling what you are feeling.”
I suggested that if they speak to someone who is in a pit of despair, that they, for however, long they might be chatting with them, grab a ladder and climb down into the pit to share the experience.
That joining them in the space of pain and discomfort was the most powerful way to minister to someone in difficulty.
That sharing that space of pain…not being afraid of it, being willing to connect with someone briefly in the midst of it was a profoundly human and humane act of compassion and courage.
It’s not easy.
But it’s possible.
…and it’s worth it.
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