One of my favourite things that happens in therapy is this:
A couple comes in for an initial session. There is tension between them. They are fighting. They have forgotten how to be friends…they have forgotten they are friends. They begin with the complaints…He works too hard. She complains too much. yada yada
As the session progresses, we continue talking…and I’ll ask them what they are looking for in counselling. And one of them will develop a far off look and want the way it used to be…when they were friends, and laughed, and were supportive, and had each others back, and gave each other the benefit of the doubt.
And I’ll ask more about that. And they’ll tell me about how they have been with each other in better days…and they will recall the friendship, and the support. And they tell me, in any one of a 1000 different ways of the story of love in their lives. And it might have laughter, or tears, or be a little crusty around the edges, but we take a look at “the big picture”
And then I’ll tell them that I can work with them on this. That it doesn’t have to be this way. That I want to work with them on this, and we will work to get them to where they want to be.
Next, he comes in…and he tells me things are much better between them…and he’s not actually sure why, but she sure is a lot easier to get along with. She’s softer and kinder and he so appreciates the way she has been with him…it makes it warmer at home and he’s relaxing.
Next, she comes in…and she tells me that something happened to him after the first session–not exactly sure what, but he’s more patient, and he’s tried harder to let her know what’s happening…and the way he has changed makes her feel different in the relationship.
I love those times when folks come in and give the other credit for the shifts towards warmth and connection in their relationship.
It’s the nudge of the session…merely remembering and recalling the good times in the presence of another. Hearing that the other loves and cares and is committed…when one hasn’t been quite so sure that the other is “all in” means a lot.
It is cool to see this happen quite often at our offices…before we as therapists feel like we’ve actually had opportunity to get in to doing some real therapeutic work, we often see shifts in the couple’s relationship…simply because they’ve been nudged to remember things that got a little buried under the day to day stressors of a relationship.
Simply reminding themselves of the goodness that is possible somehow begins to open space for friendlier ways of being…which nobody is taking credit for–because the space is created unconsciously and unawares.
Companies change the context for us all the time…to subtly change our focus and create incremental shifts in our behaviour that have us buy more, eat more, and spend more. The book, Nudge, by Thaler and Sunstein speaks of these nudging strategies. For example, if all the prices in a menu are listed in a single column on the one side, folks will quickly scan the prices and base much of their decision on cost. It the price of the menu items are added at the end of each paragraph of the description of the meal, the eye pays much more attention to the food, with the cost being less of the decision maker. People buy more expensive food. Another example…which seems almost silly in its simplicity and effectiveness: The airport in Amsterdam painted flies (as in, the insect) in the centre of men’s urinals in the bathroom. It gave something for men to aim at. There was 80% less urine outside the urinal.
(Women all over Winnipeg are now investigating water proof paint and looking for insect stencils for the inside of the toilet bowls as you read this, huh?) 😉
The idea of nudging behaviour in a positive direction is one that I think we all win when we spend some time pondering.
Business is realizing that small changes can make a difference.
- The Google offices have pre-plated desserts that are small servings–switched up from huge platters of cakes where folks can serve themselves. Having seconds for dessert is another trip to the dessert counter…and so people eat smaller portions of stuff that is best consumed as small treats.
- Another company, realizing that when spending a week or more teaching/telling people about the policies and values, having them understand corporate culture etc. saw that they scared and intimidated new employees, priming them to be formal and on-edge…not exactly conducive to creative and innovative productivity. They switched to asking new employees questions about how they were best successful, what they needed to be at their best, and how their new employer could help them reach their potential. These new employees had lower rates of turnover and their customers rated them as being more effective.
- If an employee is invited to consider retirement planning…how much money in a pay check to set aside for RRSP’s for when s/he is retired…maybe decades from now–it there is a picture of that employee that is age advanced so s/he is looking at themselves as a senior citizen, they are much more likely to put a greater amount in savings to help that person in the future.
The study of these behaviours is known as “behaviour economics”, which Google describes as:
“Yeah, but Carolyn” you say, “your blog is about connection, not a business blog. Why you filling our heads with this business stuff?”
So glad you asked! 🙂
It’s about the opening story…creating subtle shifts that gently invite the sort of behaviour you desire is hugely more effective than simply telling people what to do.
Somebody can pour the first glass of wine…and doing something thoughtful and gentle with another often engages them to reciprocate.
She got home from work one evening and fed the kids and put them to bed and she was tired to the bone. And he was late again. Late again. And even though he was late and the house was a mess, she knew that he would walk in the door, pour his glass of wine, and sit down at the kitchen table and relax. He’d sit and relax. She couldn’t even remember what relaxing felt like. She was always either going like hell or sleeping. Somebody had to keep the family running.
She stared at his bottle of wine on the counter. Then her eyes wandered over to their wedding photo on the wall. Clueless, she thought. We were clueless. But happy. Look at us. We were happy. We were hopeful.
God, please help us, she said silently.
Then she walked over to the counter and poured a glass of wine for him. She put it next to his book on the kitchen table, the place he loved to sit and relax, and she went upstairs to sleep.
He tiptoed into the house fifteen minutes later. He knew he’d missed the kids’ bedtime again, he knew his wife would be angry again, and he prepared himself for her steely silence. He hung up his coat and walked into the kitchen. He saw his glass of wine, and his book, and his chair pulled out for him. He stood and stared for a moment, trying to understand.
It felt like she was speaking directly to him for the first time in a long, long while…
So…imagine what it would be like to invite different behaviour with the people in your life, not by telling them what you need for them, but by creating the environment that is conducive to them doing something that is desirable?
- Instead of bugging the kiddos to do their homework instead of playing video games, begin to sit at the table after supper with a book to read, and maybe take a few notes with a notebook…learn a new skill, or brush up on the latest for work. Do that regularly for a few weeks…no big speeches needed…and create opportunity for the child to join you at the table with their schoolwork as time passes
- If you and your family decide y’all want to eat better sized portions, set the table with a smaller sized plate. No big deal, just subtle cues to encourage a better style of consumption.
- If you decide that it is a better choice to exercise Saturday morning rather than read the paper and drink coffee…put your running clothes on before you go to bed…some of you might think this is gross. But if on waking up, you’re ready to go…wouldn’t it be that much easier to get up and out the door?
- If you need to have that difficult conversation about finances with your partner, how could you set it up? (Hint: Exploding at your partner on opening up the credit card bill may not set the environment in the optimal way!) What about saying something like: “We’re both gonna hate this conversation…it’s gonna make us uncomfortable, and we’re gonna have to work hard not to get furious with each other, cuz $ talks can stress the strongest couple, but let’s set aside an hour on Thursday night to invest in a brighter future because we care so much about each other. I’ll write down some agenda items for us to focus on, and I’m gonna invite you to do the same. I’m scared to have this conversation, but we’re worth it!”
Subtly attending to the details of how a conversation are set up, to how a conversation is framed, to environmental cues, to the energy and stress levels of those involved–all of these can change a situation around.
This isn’t manipulation, this is sensitive attunement–creating optimal circumstances to increase comfort and safety to allow all to operate out of their best selves.
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