What game do you want to play? “Who’s right” or “Let’s make life more wonderful?”
Are you choosing thoughts about who is right and who is wrong and spending valuable time and energy analyzing, judging, blaming and criticizing?
…Focus on your and your… [loved one’s] needs.
With this refocus, you can spend your valuable time and energy finding creative strategies to meet those needs.
A friend was driving home from a Grey Cup party yesterday, listening to music and in a good mood after being with friends. The driver came off a major thoroughfare where the speed limit transitioned from 90 km/hour into a 60 km/hour zone just blocks from his home.
He didn’t slow down as he blissfully barreled on home.
Too soon, he figured out his error as he saw a police car pass by, only to turn a U turn as he glanced back in his rear view mirror. The police lights started their flashing and he was waved over.
“95 in a 60 zone”, the cop said. That’s all he needed to say. A sinking feeling ensued on the part of the driver…knowing this was going to be pricey.
“Sorry,” was all he could say, as he handed over his driver’s license and vehicle registration.
“95 in a 60 zone” repeats the officer on his return from his vehicle after checking his information. After a bit he says, “So, when’s the last time you been drinking?”. A logical assumption. It was, after all, after the Grey Cup, the national excuse to get together and imbibe.
“Three years and 8 months ago,” the driver definitively and immediately says. This guy knows the dates for a good reason. Clearly.
“95 in a 60 zone,” again from the officer…like he wasn’t clear enough the first two times. A guy with not-a-big-sense-of-humor…which makes sense really, given the size of the infraction. Tough guy. Clearly gonna deliver the justice demanded in the situation.
“Three demerit points and $300 fine” says the officer…clearly not one for a lot of words. Not a chatty guy. All business.
In discouragement, the driver in a moment of semi-despair, offhandedly says without thinking: “I’ll just add it to the $25 000 bill I’ve already got, paying for the divorce”. Resigned, feeling hopeless, one more straw that’s laid on the proverbial camel’s back…it would hurt, but when already overwhelmed and in over one’s head, the driver had a measure of beaten acceptance.
The police offer looks at him. Glares at him. Then in a sudden, unexplained move that seemingly came out of nowhere, he hands back the license and registration and says curtly, “Slow down from now on”. And walks quickly back to his vehicle, leaving the driver slack jawed in amazement.
When telling me the story, the driver was still in astonishment, not quite believing the incredible act of mercy he had received. He was guilty; he knew it. He deserved the punishment; he knew it. He didn’t get what he deserved…he got what he needed. Mercy.
What was most fascinating was the next part of the telling of the story, as the driver was continued on in conversation. It was clear that he was intrinsically motivated by some unknown force to repay the officer’s kindness to watch his speed from here on in…that the officer’s act of grace had him far more likely to not speed in that area in the future. Far more successful than any punishment would have motivated him. The officer achieved greater public safety through the dismissing of the ticket than delivering it.
I think he’s onto something there, huh? How mercy and understanding go a long way. Yes, I understand we need to experience natural consequences for our actions…I’m not doubting or questioning that. But there are times when those we relate to and love need our understanding…and receiving a generous act of grace inspires the sort of behavior.
I got an email from him today…and he said he found himself deliberate going slower than he usually does through this zone, still marveling at the kindness of the officer.
Inspiring a spouse, a child, a dear friend to better behavior gives very different results that forcing obedience through punishment. I’m gonna take a page from the officer’s notebook as I relate to my kin this week. Maybe you’ll give it a go, too!
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