For many of us, it’s very busy in our heads…multiple conversations internally with different parts of ourselves:
- We have one part express a fear–say, for example over having a conversation with someone–say about financies with your spouse.
- Another part logically goes through why it doesn’t make sense to have that fear, and runs though all the reasons why it will likely be a fine conversation. You know he won’t be violent, you’ve had a couple of good days lately, etc.
- Another part “tsks, tsks” (or something nastier) as it makes fun of the part that is fearful, feeling it is ridiculous that a person would be scared of a converstaion. Something like, “Imagine how silly this is that I can’t even have a normal conversation with my husband about money without spending hours thinking about it. How ridiculous is it that I’m so scared of something that should be so normal, and I have to talk myself into something that should be easy”
- Yet another part expresses exhaustion by it all, and seeks to “pull the plug” on the inner turmoil by coming up with some sort of excuse that makes it all go away, like “Well, he’s going out of town next week, and so it probably doesn’t make sense to have the conversation this week no matter how you feel about it.”
Sound familiar?
No, it’s not Multiple Personality Disorder, or Dissociative Identity Disorder as many now call it, it’s something much more mundane and ordinary and common to most if not all of us…the various parts of ourselves that feel differently about the same topic weigh in. The inner static in a person’s head can seem like too much sometimes…and “checking out” or pulling back from the activities of life may feel like the only way to avoid the internal noise.
One of the things we at Bergen and Associates Counselling work with clients on, is having them listen carefully to, and individually identify the parts to understand where each part is coming from, and to understand it’s purpose in contributing to the conversation with what it says, and how it says it. Once a part is truly understood, we can work with it, to have it work for you, rather than against you. Or a person finds they can speak on behalf of those parts, rather than out of those parts, leaving the “core you” in control of what is expressed, rather than being hijacked by a part that has an agenda that feels different from what you really want.
- Did you ever have a piece of cake that you didn’t want to eat? You eat
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Some people find themselves yelling or becoming nasty, and they watch themselves treat family members in ways they would never want to treat people they care about, and see words come out in a tone that feels very different than how they would want to be.
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Others might find that though they want to do something, like ask someone out on a date or enroll in a dance class, that a fearful part holds them back from something they have a real desire to do.
When I do this work with clients, the different voices that go on inside of them can become collaborative and creative and work together, rather than argue against each other, and belittle you. It’s quite fun to work with people and have them operate in the world on behalf of all their parts, in a way that is respectful.
So, in the example above, the person might listen to the fear and remember how badly the last conversation about money went, and how scary it is to have these conversations…and then keep that in mind as she crafts an opening to the conversation. She is mindful of the fear’s concerns and explains to her husband that she wants this conversation to go better…so before they get into the “money conversation” she has a conversation with him about how they are going to talk about money so that they stay connected. He lets her know how her style last time felt threatening, and they develop some strategies to have the next conversation go more successfully…and they decide to have it next Tuesday after he is back from his trip, and they are going to go out for a simple dinner first to have some fun just prior to this conversation. All of the parts she had that were weighing in on this feel respected, and they helped to set her up for a great conversation.
When the parts of ourselves work in harmony and all pull together in the same direction, wonderful things can happen…when the parts of ourselves join together and “celebrate and live my life”, it is truly an incredible thing. Just watch!
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