Is it your intention to connect or to correct? Parents who can define their parenting purpose or intention can help meet children’s vital needs, including stability, security, safety and guidance.
What is your purpose of intention? To correct and manage your children or to connect with and enjoy them?
For one week, count the number of times in a day you correct your child, and then count the number of times a day you connect. Which number is greater? What might this information tell you?
I tripped upon this resource through Twitter the other day…I just received “week 1’s” tip in my inbox. Click on the link to get you to a page where you can sign up for some gentle reminders in your inbox to parent compassionately and connectedly. Children need guidance and structure, to be sure. However, when it is received within the context of an environment that is supporting, and respectful and loving, the structure is more likely to be welcome and understood.
Little did I know how quickly that reminder would become helpful to me as we were dealing with some behavior around this place! With a deep slow breath, and the “correct or connect” line in my head, I entered a parenting scenario with a better ability to picture what I wanted as an end goal of the situation…rather than attacking, blaming, or shaming a child–which, I have to admit, first started to bubble up inside when I discovered the situation.
- It meant I waited until we got home and settled to deal with it, rather than when I picked him up from practice. We could debrief the day and have a good time in the car…and I could be reminded he was more than just the situation.
- It meant I presented the situation and asked him to explain his perspective, rather than jumped to conclusions. That wasn’t easy, but there had to be a reason he chose the course of action he did, and I wanted him to know that what was going on inside of him was important…and it is…given that what goes on inside of him in the future will dictate his actions. Why wouldn’t we both want to know what was going on in his head and heart?
- It meant that I explained my concerns about the situation from my point of view, and my challenges in trusting his explanations on this one in an honest and candid and calm way…so that we could figure out how to handle similar situations in the future in a way that built trust.
- It meant that I tried to explain my concerns about how I wanted him to feel good about himself and how he handled himself, and how he may jeopardize that with handling future situations in the same way. I wanted him to understand that it makes sense from his perspective as well, to do things differently in the future. It’s not about conforming to his mother, it’s about him doing what ultimately works for him, and honors who he is.
Did it work? It went well…neither of us stomped away or left upset or couldn’t sleep. We have a strategy in place for how to handle a similar situation in the future. I get that mistakes happen, and will happen again…it’s how mistakes are dealt with and resolved that truly matter. But did it really work? Ask me in 10 years. 🙂
In my inbox this morning:
We think sometimes that poverty is only being hungry, naked and homeless. There is more hunger in the world for love and appreciation than for bread.
Mother Theresa
Go…feed your kids really well today!
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