An Apology to Learn From

Take a page from Tiger’s playbook on this one.

I was able to see Tiger Wood’s apology on TV the other day. I, along with millions of others, were curious about what he would say. The general consensus before hand was that it would be very very short, cryptic and dissatisfying in not addressing the obvious issues. It was none of those. I had tears in my eyes as I watched him read his statement. The men and women that I have known that have been cheated on, and long to hear an apology from someone who has hurt them to the core of their sould, heard what an apology sounds like.

Afterwards, the commentators, being professional skeptics, were quick to point out that Tiger Woods has “people” who know how to write well and would have prepared his speech for him, whose jobs it is to “spin” events in his events, and are intent on restoring his public image to maximize his sponsorship and earning potential. Yup, all that might be true.

But there was one man standing lonely behind the podium the other day as he shared his statement. He was alone and exposed his jugular as he accepted responsibility for his behavior and expressed regret. He realizes he has to atone for his actions. Somebody may have helped him figure out what to say…but he alone said them. He owned them…and these are not easy words to own. For a guy who has felt entitled, he ate a huge piece of humble pie. Man, he ate the whole pie.

I know he was criticized for sticking too closely to his notes, or for being too unemotional, or too emotional in certain parts. You try admitting you’ve screwed up in front of cameras, close family and friends, after 6 weeks of treatment. I don’t pretend to know what is going on with Tiger Woods, but I do know the effort that is required for others like him that I have worked with…to “man up” and take responsibility for behavior. That’s not easy. It’s an important step, but far from easy. Hard, excrutiatingly hard.

 

Excerpts from the transcript of what he said.

…Now every one of you has good reason to be critical of me. I want to say to each of you, simply and directly, I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior I engaged in.

I know people want to find out how I could be so selfish and so foolish. People want to know how I could have done these things to my wife, Elin, and to my children. And while I have always tried to be a private person, there are some things I want to say.

Elin and I have started the process of discussing the damage caused by my behavior. As Elin pointed out to me, my real apology to her will not come in the form of words; it will come from my behavior over time. We have a lot to discuss; however, what we say to each other will remain between the two of us….

But still, I know I have bitterly disappointed all of you. I have made you question who I am and how I could have done the things I did. I am embarrassed that I have put you in this position.

For all that I have done, I am so sorry….

The issue involved here was my repeated irresponsible behavior. I was unfaithful. I had affairs. I cheated. What I did is not acceptable, and I am the only person to blame.

I stopped living by the core values that I was taught to believe in. I knew my actions were wrong, but I convinced myself that normal rules didn’t apply. I never thought about who I was hurting. Instead, I thought only about myself. I ran straight through the boundaries that a married couple should live by. I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to. I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me. I felt I was entitled. Thanks to money and fame, I didn’t have to go far to find them.

I was wrong. I was foolish. I don’t get to play by different rules. The same boundaries that apply to everyone apply to me. I brought this shame on myself. I hurt my wife, my kids, my mother, my wife’s family, my friends, my foundation and kids all around the world who admired me.

I’ve had a lot of time to think about what I’ve done. My failures have made me look at myself in a way I never wanted to before. It’s now up to me to make amends and that starts by never repeating the mistakes I’ve made. It’s up to me to start living a life of integrity.

I once heard, and I believe it’s true, it’s not what you achieve in life that matters; it’s what you overcome. Achievements on the golf course are only part of setting an example. Character and decency are what really count….

It’s hard to admit that I need help, but I do. For 45 days from the end of December to early February, I was in inpatient therapy receiving guidance for the issues I’m facing. I have a long way to go. But I’ve taken my first steps in the right direction.

As I proceed, I understand people have questions. I understand the press wants to ask me for the details and the times I was unfaithful. I understand people want to know whether Elin and I will remain together. Please know that as far as I’m concerned, every one of these questions and answers is a matter between Elin and me. These are issues between a husband and a wife….

I recognize I have brought this on myself, and I know above all I am the one who needs to change. I owe it to my family to become a better person. I owe it to those closest to me to become a better man. That’s where my focus will be….

In therapy, I’ve learned the importance of looking at my spiritual life and keeping in balance with my professional life. I need to regain my balance and be centered so I can save the things that are most important to me — my marriage and my children.

That also means relying on others for help. I’ve learned to seek support from my peers in therapy, and I hope someday to return that support to others who are seeking help….

Today, I want to ask for your help. I ask you to find room in your heart to one day believe in me again.

A few things I honor in his apology:

• He acknowledges his responsibility and lack of insight into his prior behavior, without excuses. I expect that there are some circumstances that led to this situation, but he doesn’t dilute his apology with those today. There are rumors of a family history of infidelity, which can really mess with a person’s head, but he doesn’t talk about that…that would take away from the core message he is transmitting

• He provides appropriate disclosure. He let us know he blew it in the fidelity department…the tabloids who sell magazine would, of course, disagree, but that is all that the public need to know. He’s right that the other details would be something that would be processed at a couple level. In general, friends and family don’t benefit from knowing details. He establishes appropriate boundaries

• He recognizes that though a verbal apology to his wife is important, it pales in comparison to what his actions will tell her in the future. He recognizes that there will be a level of accountability and proving his commitment to her over time. He seemingly gets that she will need to see him being faithful for a goodly long time before she can trust him. Integrity over the long haul will be what is effective in restoring any level of trust.

• He recognizes that his apology does not “seal the deal” and make it all better. Reconciliation is still something that needs to be negotiated and sorted through as a couple.

• He is willing to get the help he needs to do the work he needs to do, to be the kind of person he wants to be for himself and for his wife.

• He recognizes that doing “head work” is only part of the process. He is relying on his faith and spiritual growth to do some serious “heart work” too.

There may have been a great deal of help and strategizing that Tiger Woods had to prepare his statement. Or he may have sat down and hammered it out on his own or with the help of his therapist. Who knows. Does it matter? Whatever was said were words he chose to say and he owned them that day.I don’t know what will happen to Tiger Wood’s marriage, his business dealings, or his golf career. On Friday, all of that didn’t matter.

• On Friday, he gave the world an example of what a seriously effective apology looks like.

• On Friday, I suspect there were cheated women and men all over TV land that had tears streaming down their faces, hearing words that felt “right”, hearing words that they have longed to hear from an unfaithful partner, feeling understood by a man they will never meet in a way they were not understood by their partner.

• On Friday, I hope there were some unfaithful women and men who heard Tiger’s apology and felt like he was a couple steps ahead of where they need to be, and resolved to stop fooling themselves and start living in the real world, where infidelity is not OK, where it is excruciatingly painful.

Tiger, thank you for the way in which you modelled an apology for your damaging and destructive behavior. I suspect that many will never know how much it cost you personally to do what you did. I’m hoping that we will not also be able to understand the level of healing that was possible by the insights and actions as a result of the soul work you have done in therapy.

I, for one, respect what you did on Friday.