From Carolyn: One of the greatest treats of my life (and there are many) is to work with therapists that I deeply trust and respect. I believe in their approach and their commitment to help clients that come to see us. One of those deeply valued therapists is Lindsey Jay Walsh . He writes so eloquently about the balance of routine and freedom; ritual and flexibility in the below. It fits so well with my fundamental belief that as parents we do well to give our kids profoundly stable roots to enable them to develop strongly capable wings…Lindsey’s example of how he handles a nighttime ritual with the little guy just hums along with how I roll.
Lindsey writes:
After the bedtime stories and once the lights are out, my son and I sing together. It started out with me singing to him and as he gets older, he has started singing along. I ask him what song he’d like to sing and, these days, he answers, “Round and Round” (As in “The wheels on the bus go…”).
This seems to have a big impact on my little guy. He’s certainly getting to sleep faster. And I began to wonder why. One thing that I’ve come up with is this:
When I am curious about what he wants to choose
within the nightly bedtime ritual, it helps him feel at peace.
At an emotional level, my curiosity and presence lets him know that there’s room for his hopes, dreams, and wishes. It also helps keep his choices kid sized. I’m not asking him when he wants to go to bed – that wouldn’t be a safe choice for a two year-old.
On the other hand, it does free up space for him to make kid sized choices. So far as he’s able, he chooses what songs to sing and what books to read at bedtime. As he gets bigger, so will the choices his mother and I allow him to make. I think this helps him feel safe and supported while helping him practice decision making. Practice might not make perfect, but the right kind of practice certainly does help.
Besides, it helps him know that his hopes, desires, and dreams matter while helping him accept the fact that we’re his parents and we make all the big choices. (Though sometimes we pretend he’s making those too. For example, about five minutes before bedtime we’ll ask “Do you want to go to bed now or in five minutes?” -But, that’s not really curiosity – that type of “choice” is more of a good and useful tactical strategy! In some situations, the illusion of choice is often even more comforting than the actuality of choice.)
I am, however, genuinely curious about what songs he wants to sing. After “Round and Round” I’ll give him some additional choices. “Do you want to sing “Amazing Grace” (I’ll ask and then hum a bit of it) or do you want to sing, “This Little Light of Mine” (ditto). And then, as he gets sleepier, I kiss him and tell him I’ll be back in a few minutes.
Sometimes he’s fast asleep by the time I get back; sometimes he is awake and wanting a cuddle. This demands a lot of curiosity on my part because I really need to tune into what my son needs and what will help him have the best sleep. I don’t always know how far away he is from slumberland, so I play it by ear. The promise that I’ll be back in a few minutes, though, is key. So is the fact that I always keep it. If I get back and he’s still awake, I stay a little longer, before saying, “I’m going to go for a few minutes, I’ll
be back.”
I’d never really thought about it before, but I guess this can be summed up as a four step process.
1. Have rituals that are reasonably consistent, but flexible enough:
When rituals follow a reliable pattern, children generate expertise within the ritual. Well-formed rituals help our kids feel just-enough empowered while also feeling safe and comforted (and in this case, helping my son get to sleep at night).
2. Exhibit structured curiosity with age-appropriate choices:
Within the ritual, create space for your kids to make kid-sized decisions based on limited options. Let them choose from limited options within the well-established frameworks (such as at bedtime or meal times). You will likely find yourself pleasantly surprised to notice little cognitive growth-spurts, shifts, and changes in your child’s abilities, that you might not have noticed without a reliable and consistent framework. The safety and reliability of the ritual helps your kids cognitive and emotional development as well. And there you are, with a front-row seat, witnessing their development. Cool!
3. Honour their choices with gusto – Put your heart into it!
I don’t naturally love singing “Round and Round” but I have decided to love it. I love it because my son does, and my son would suss-out if my heart wasn’t in it.
Kids are smart that way. If they choose it…you gotta wholeheartedly respect and live the choice you’ve given them!
4. Close rituals reliably.
This was the hardest part for me and I have lots of questions to be mindful of: “Should I stay or should I go? Am I keeping him awake by being here? Will it make him more awake if I leave?” – As you noticed above, I decided to take the middle ground: We have our routine, then I go away for a few minutes, and I come back (and I repeat as is needed).
In short:
Aim to have family rituals that are consistent but flexible. Give age-appropriate choices. Honour their choices with gusto. And close reliably.
When we generate and perpetuate family rituals like this, we create good-times, emotional balance, and even a sense of expertise in the child.
Contact Conexus Counselling via our contact form or call us at 204 275 1045 to inquire about seeing Lindsey about challenging family issues…or with any of our other therapists for individual, couple and family therapy.
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