I recently spoke to a group of young adults (and their teachers/family/friends) at their high school graduation. I’ve written before about Bronnie Ware‘s The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying.

The themes of the dying are echoed within the walls of our therapy offices at Conexus Counselling every day, and whispered to each other in The Daring Way™ groups that I offer regularly.  And I thought to myself…”What if, instead of uttering these regrets on their death beds decades from now, these students would be able to proactively address these concerns as opportunities starting now, at the beginning of their adult lives. What if, they-and maybe others too-would shape their lives so as to avoid these end-of-life regrets?”

So…I gave my take on each of the 5 regrets turned 5 opportunities.  Join us to consider proactively living the life that aligns with the one you want to live? A 5 part series, from the talk, adjusted for a wider audience. With thanx to Bronnie Ware…

Opportunity #1:

I want the courage to live the life true to myself, not the life others expect of me.

Physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, research has proven over and over that we need each other.  We live longer, fight infection better, sleep better, work and concentrate better when we have meaningful connections. Connection is what we are created for.

The relationships that we have with our friends and family are so vital and meaningful to life, we end up often doing whatever it takes to have connection…and in our rush and desperate need to belong…the danger is that we can can settle for “fitting in”…Wear certain clothes, listen to certain music, talk to certain people. Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted.

Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.

Belonging is being accepted for who we are, without masks, without sucking up and without pretending.

Living life true to yourself is a call to authenticity. To be fully and truly seen—to be authentic requires courage.  Authenticity is be terrifying…but true belonging only happens when we present our imperfect selves to the world. That requires vulnerability.

Have you noticed that vulnerability is often the first thing we look for in others, but the last thing we want others to see in us? Brené Brown’s research clearly shows that vulnerability is the birthplace of love, joy, empathy, and creativity.

Vulnerability is the key to being true to yourself.

Some of you, as students, have dared to be courageous and vulnerable by performing at a talent show, or playing on a team, or walking across the lunch room to sit with someone who sits alone, or daring to study really hard for a test even though you may still do poorly. Some of you, as readers, have dared to be courageous and vulnerable by saying, “Can we talk?”, by applying for that job, by calling up a struggling friend, by putting on  bathing suit to show up on a beach. Sometimes it would be so much easier to not be vulnerable, to not try, and say you didn’t really care anyways, but you didn’t.

You. Showed. Up.

When you do something hard that is important-it feels vulnerable-and to still do it, even at the risk of ridicule or judgment or failure…that’s brave.

Graduation, is a night to celebrate and look ahead. But I also know that for some of you, your high school years were hard…depression, feeling that others judged you, just wanting to “not be you”, wishing to disappear, being bullied.  High school can be a brutal place for some students.  It is not easy to be authentic in high school (or at your first job, or your current job, or your marriage-take your pick, dear readers). For some of you, showing up each day to be in a position to graduate…that alone was brave.  It took courage.

“Showing up” as authentically you (quivering and shaking inside even) is courage.

High school graduation gives you a fresh start, in a new environment.  The expectations, social rules, the whole environment changes. You will have a new chance to be accepted for who you are post-highschool. There are many people in this room who had difficulties in high school and found a sense of community at school/work/church in adulthood. Generally, it’s not automatic-communities of authenticity are deliberately created-developed over time.

It’s not easy, but persevere-co-create a community with others where you don’t have to “fit in”…where you each “belong”.

Find a community-even if it is a small one-where you authentically belong.  Don’t seek to belong or fit in with everybody.  Belong to the ones who matter to you, and learn that not everyone’s opinion has a right to inform your life.  You don’t have to win over the haters or the snobs or the ones who judge.  You might be aware that they hate, snob, or judge as a means of fitting in themselves…they need our kindness…but you don’t need their inauthentic acceptance, eh?

Live the life you know you were meant to live.