Find ways to reconnect emotionally when you notice a disconnection.
Sounds obvious, huh?
Well, it is, right now, because you’re not steamed, not feeling resentful, guilty, angry, or frustrated. And so you aren’t defensive, belligerent, argumentative, fearful, attacking or withdrawing.
Relationships seem so obvious and easy when you’re calm and reading blogs, aren’t they?
Not so much in the middle of that last argument though, huh? …or the last time one of you was too busy or too preoccupied or too tired to notice when your partner needed you?
This video…not even a minute and a half long…hang on until the bitter end to hear the sound bite sample of one example of what it sounds like to re-engage after a disconnection. If you can’t bear to watch the first 2/3’s of this video…jump to about 1:05 to get “the line” that will come in handy next time (only don’t use it as a “line”…feel it–mean it…your partner will warm to you powerfully:
I was with a group of moms yesterday who gather together for a sweet spot of sanity away from their children, and they asked me to speak about mental health and mothers…and along the way I spoke about the powerful wisdom amongst mothers, and the powerful support that we can give to each other when we share our struggles and lend out support in a variety of ways. I asked the moms to share stories of their experiences of this. One woman said:
The best piece of parental advice I ever got was this: when your child is frustrated and wants this and that, and is changing her mind, and doesn’t seem to make any sense, and is just upset…ask her if she wants a hug. I do this with my child, and I betcha 80% of the time, she reaches out her little arms, and we embrace for a minute and then she’s fine again.
Powerful stuff, huh?
I think sometimes we overcomplicate things. It doesn’t have to be fancy. There doesn’t need to be a determination of who is right and who is wrong, or who pulled away first.
Maybe it’s a place where the KISS (Keep it simple, silly) principal is best employed. When you are disconnected, say, with as few words as possible: “I want to be close to you”. And you may want to resort to the other KISS principal that is even more basic: the smooch!