Too often, men don’t get to
- be who they really are,
- say what they really feel
- have their outside match their inside
- express what they really think
Men get shut down, shut out, cut off from the best parts of who they are when society, their community, maybe even their own family tells them not to be “weak”…that is, to be “real”…
Men hurt, men get scared, men want to be loved and desired, and yes…men get angry. But they get a whole lot more than angry…but “angry” is acceptable, and tenderness, vulnerability, softness and brokenness are often not.
It’s not easy being a guy. Brené Brown, in her latest book, Daring Greatly, talks about how in her research she has learned this:
Can you imagine how that puts pressure on a guy to be a certain way, stuff much of his experience down, and become pretty good at not letting people know much about himself except things like how pissed off he is, how successful he is, how productive he is, how much money he makes, and what man-toys he is planning on buy.
The thing of it is, is that so many men are so much more than what we can see. I have had male clients who have told me things about themselves in the first session that they have never told anyone. This “untold material” are not horrible secrets…rather, that they get hurt, that they love much, that they have stuff going inside they can’t language but feel deeply, that they are tender and have been wounded…and they have never felt it appropriate to tell anyone.
I think this creates powder kegs. Many men, most men, are not violent. But some are…and we live in a system and culture that can set men up to know no other way of coping with their worlds than with an explosion of violence.
On February 14th, there will be an event at the Legislature Building as part of the “One Billion Rising” movement against violence towards women and girls where in protest, there will be an event. All over the world on February 14th, men and women will dance in protest to violence against women.
Violence against women changes one man at a time. Join the men in the video as they change the values that men live by?
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