Love’s a function of connection, not communication

Poor communication doesn’t disconnect souls

It’s the disconnected souls who poorly communicate.

Ann Voskamp

Came across this line today in a blog posting that kinda took my breath away in its simple, painful beauty. A little more of it:

He lays his hand on my bare shoulder.

Water drips from the tips of strands tousled and tucked and a rivulet runs down the small of my back.

He kisses me dry.

“I have no idea what to wear.” I’m paying him no mind, standing before the closet with my towel, mumbling words. Hangers clatter.

“What you’re wearing is pretty beautiful.” His stubble finds the curve of my neck.

“No…” I laugh, embarrassed, try to squirm out of those arms wrapped around, reach for a dress at the back, stretch far away. “Don’t be silly…. I just need something simple….”

I can feel him still, arms around me, tensed, steady. I know. What words will now come. I close my eyes in the waiting. He says them slow, low, and they run down my spine…

“When I tell you that you are beautiful…”

His hands on my shoulder, he turns me, and I can’t look, too ashamed.

“You said you’d hear me.”

“Yes… I remember. What you said, how I could be a better wife.” Deep breath, open eyes, open heart. I look into his, faces naked before each other.

“I know…. When you say I’m beautiful…. I’m to believe it. Receive your love.”

This is always the hardest.

We lean and our foreheads touch, breath mingling. We’ve only found this place through a trail of years.

Rarely do I want to receive love just as it comes, soundless rain in late April light. Love falls softly; it cannot be forced.

Couples come to therapy to improve communication when what they really need is to improve the connection. Bergen and Associates works to improve the connections between couples.


Beautiful, isn’t it? It’s plaintive and sad. Hesitant but warm. Wanting to protect self–battling with wanting to connect. Wanting to receive–but hesitant to trust and believe.

I’ve always thought that it was as useless to teach communication skills to couples as it is to teach the Canada Food Guide to someone who wants to lose weight. Few people who desire weight loss need to learn about nutrition…many can describe calorie counts and fat content as effectively as any dietician. Many couples who come for “communication skills” are expert communicators in the rest of their lives…but they notice they can’t communicate with their spouse.

It’s about the connection between souls. Communication happens if a couple is connected. Things like

  • shame,
  • guilt
  • fear
  • anger

interfere with the connection…and impact the communication.

Look at the connection…look at what gets in the way of connection…a candid, honest, vulnerable, scary look at what inside of you interferes with the connection.


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