The trauma of childhood sexual abuse has too often focused on the vulnerability of girls. One in three girls is sexually abused…that’s a lot, a lot of girls. How many women do you know? Statistically, one in three has been violated. So, so many. So many lives changed, so many tears shed, so many hearts torn and then hardened.
Tyler Perry, a popular Hollywood mogul, took male sexual abuse out of the closet and onto Oprah’s stage. Oprah Winfrey and Tyler Perry invited men to join him…200 men joined them in the audience. One in 6 boys are sexually abused…that’s a lot, a lot of boys. How many men do you know? Statiscally, one in six has been violated. So, so many. So many lives changed, so many tears shed, so many hearts torn and then hardened.
So much shame, so much secrecy, so much confusion.
I work with people daily who have experienced significant trauma in their lives, so you think that a show like this would be “no big deal” to me. Not.
Watch the opening few seconds of this show. Although I don’t have a chance to catch Oprah often, I watched the tape of this episode, and it was worth it to spend an hour Friday night watching it. The opening 20 seconds stopped my breath and started the tears.
There weren’t just 200 men who had experienced sexual abuse, there were 200 men with photos of themselves as little boys…a poignant reminder of who had been hurt. Little smiling faces for school photos, a slugger in a baseball uniform, an alter boy. No music, no voice over, just simple silence as we gazed at these men holding tender, vulnerable pictures of themselves as little boys. And throughout the show, when interviewing the men, there would be a subtitle on the bottom with his name…and the photo of him as a child.
The silent sight of 200 men standing honoring the memory of those little boys, is something that brings tears to my eyes even as I write this. It wasn’t big strapping men who had vague memories of something bad happening, it was little boys BEING hurt. Little boys defenseless, confused, hurting, and trapped. Each man carried the little boy to the Oprah show that day…many with all the internal pain of that little boy still locked inside.
The unique challenges of being a male survivor of childhood sexual abuse are dealing with the confusing way in which a boy’s body betrays him. As the reflexive erection occurs, he is told that he is enjoying the abuse, may in fact be welcoming it. The erection, on a biological level, feels good–even though when the touch is not welcome. Sometimes the touch is both welcomed and not welcomed when it comes from a trusted caregiver who has carefully wooed and seduced a child gradually over time, grooming him for abuse in a way that builds in secrecy and trust.
As someone who has experienced abuse and is distressed by it, a man generally feels there are few options to deal with the pain. There is a North American cultural expectation that men be strong, not show feelings, not be weak or vulnerable. Talking about abuse is, by definition, a very vulnerable experience. Substance abuse, alcohol use and abuse, broken relationships often result as ineffective strategies to deal with the pain inside.
I was humbled by the courage of these men who braved a lifetime of secrecy and shame to work towards a healing, brought by naming what had happened, beginning to understand what it meant (someone hurt them) and what it didn’t mean (no kid asks for it, no kid deserves it).
If I think about all the men I know, and divide the number by 6…well, that’s a lot of men. Know that we women will work towards making it easier to talk about your abuse. We as women want to work to allow you to be vulnerable, to not always have to be strong, to let your journey be known in the way you feel comfortable.
This message is for the 1 in 6 males out there who have been hurt: I’m so sorry this happened to you. It should not have been happened. You did not deserve to be hurt. It must have been difficult, confusing, and hard to be violated. It must be hard to talk about now. May you find ways to work towards peace in your soul on this.
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