As a therapist, I help people notice the patterns of the things that aren’t working in their lives…that helps them to see the way they tend to make things happen.
Once people are able to see their responsibility in the process, positive change is much more likely to occur.
Sounds easy.
It is not.
It’s really hard. REALLY. HARD.
But do-able. And exciting. And rewarding.
But then there comes the empowering feeling that a person can impact the world around them, and so can mount the crushing responsibility of feeling like one needs to be the one to make everything work, or the life-sucking frustration and disappointment when, despite one’s best efforts, the results are going south. Fast. Ouch.
Had that happen to me recently. Was working on a project with a team of people, and was trying to help make a difficult situation better. I was the leader of the team, but because of the sensitivity of the project, I checked in often with my team members, making sure that my guidance of the process was “on target” and I wasn’t straying because of a blind spot.
They encouraged me that I was working effectively and in alignment with the group’s common values. I consulted with outside experts…careful not violate trust, but working conscientiously to get outside input so that myopic shortsightedness wouldn’t be a factor. I acted on their guidance and received their support. I thought hard about what I was doing, thinking through my words and actions at multiple levels repeatedly. I summoned up my courage and gathered my resources when the project challenged me. In short, I bust my butt to give extra effort to give every chance for something to succeed.
And it didn’t go well. Ouch.
I’ve been trying to wrap my head around it. Struggling to find the patterns…scratching my head trying to find my contribution to why it went sour. And then I looked at my dining room table:
I got 3 paper white bulbs from the basket of bulbs before Christmas. Had 3 identical glass cups, with the same red sand, and watered them with water from one common pitcher. I watered them at the same time and they stood side by side on my dining room table getting the same amount of sunshine. I didn’t talk to them differently or anything!
Two grew. One did not.
I don’t know why. But I know that I gave it the same opportunities the others had. It actually was a bit of a relief to know that it was something with the bulb. Had I only purchased that one, I would be wondering what I did wrong, what I missed. But it wasn’t me. This bulb may not be dead, but it sure is taking its sweet time letting me see it’s goodness. I think it will come, but long after the others are already finished. The rate of growth for that last one is not up to me. It’s working on it’s own agenda, and it will respond to the light and water when it decides it’s ready to…chill out, Carolyn!
A good reminder to me that while it is vital to look to see my role in life’s circumstances, I need to allow for circumstances beyond my control, outside of my understanding or knowledge. I don’t know everything, have to allow factors which I need to respectfully acknowledge are beyond me. I need to chill out, relax, and not automatically take complete ownership for what happens in the relationships in my life.
Some people don’t assume enough responsibility for what is happening in their relationships, and underestimate their ability to effect positive change in their world. Some people have to learn to relax and recognize that while they can influence outcomes with their actions, that there is a lot more at play—to influence an outcome is a far cry from determining an outcome.
Which direction do you tend to operate towards. What movement would be a helpful correction?
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