People often ask therapists for “tools”. We want tools to have better relationships with ourselves and with others. Perhaps the most important “tool” is  the Re-frame. When we “re-frame” something we choose how we  are going to perceive it.

Parents and loved ones have some really good re-frames for situations. Like, when a baby is crying and we say, “Oh, she must be tired or hungry.” We are hearing a loud, often nearly unbearable noise and choosing to interpret it as a request for help. We could choose to frame that noise in any way we wish, and we choose the kindest (and possibly most useful) way of looking at it.

When a child is having a tantrum in a supermarket and I think to myself, “Looks like that kid is feeling a little overwhelmed and is making her dad prove that he is strong enough to cope with any behaviour she throws his way. This is her way of letting her dad prove himself.”

Others less kind than me, might frame her as a spoiled brat who is bullying her dad into giving her what she wants.

Or they frame the parent as failing in some way or another.

I try not to frame things that way. This is probably because I’ve been that parent and I’m sure at some point I was that child, too, so it’s best to be compassionate. Besides, judging people never seems to lower the tension in an environment.

Go figure!?!

That is the power of the reframe: to choose to look at people and events from the vantage that gives you the clearest picture and, thus, the most available options.

Around here, we like our reframes so much that we put them up on our wall. Here are two from our cork board

Mistakes are proof that you’re trying.

And

To make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength. – Criss Jami

You can teach yourself how to be a Class A Re-framer. It’s a skill that you can learn for free simply by trying to do it. After all, the formula couldn’t be simpler.

How to Reframe

Step 1:

Decide to challenge a negative framing such as, “A child’s scream is a bad thing.”

Step 2:

Chop off the negative assumption, leaving you with something like “A child’s scream is ______.”

Step 3:

Plop in alternate endings to the sentence, such as, “A child’s scream is a sign that their parents are the scum of the Earth.”

Ok, no, that didn’t work, so…

Step 4:

Take a deep breath and try again. “A child’s scream is a sign that they need help. Even when I don’t know what help that might be.”

Step 5:

Fake it ’til you make it. – Even if you’ve properly fed your child, burped her, and put her through college, she might keep on screaming.

So it helps to remember this powerful reframe:

Your child is not trying to shatter your soul and deprive you of any chance of happiness / night’s sleep / regular sex life with your partner. In fact, she loves you, and her cries for attention are her way of letting you know that she loves you and trusts you to keep her safe.

And, besides, mistakes are just proof that you’re trying.

Right?

Right!

Carolyn’s addition: This isn’t just about parenting.  This is about the huge advantage in life that you give yourself if you believe that others are doing the best they can.  Your boss, your spouse, your sister/aunt/cousin, your friend.  When they do something that hurts you, reframe it as a challenge they are having, a need they are trying to fulfill, an insecurity they need support for.  It will change your life!