Ever take a poorly trained labrador retriever for a walk? It’s tricky. and chaotic. and a little crazy…maybe even feeling a little dangerous. As a matter of fact…who’d you be kidding…it would be the dog taking YOU for a walk.
The dog would decide how fast you’d go, when you’d stop, and how far off the path to get pulled. And so how does this matter? Well…
I’ve been thinking about forgiveness a bunch lately…wondering how it fits in life…it started with some emails that I received, continued when my car got dinged, and then continued as it seemed to pop up in my reading, listening on the radio, and so on…
Forgiveness is often used in a religious sense, something that spiritual people are “supposed” to do because it’s the right thing to do.
Psychology is starting to grasp and hold onto the concept of forgiveness…saying forgiveness decreases anxiety, increases optimism and overall health. Psychology is saying that choosing not to work towards forgiving a person is a little like taking an untrained Labrador retriever for a walk…and thinking that you’re in control.
“Forgiving enabled me to realize I could create my own path,” she says. “I wasn’t just plopped down on this cruddy path I had to walk the rest of my life. I was in control.”
“The decision to forgive touches you to your very core, to who you are as a human being,” he says. “It involves your sense of self-esteem, your personal worth, the worth of the person who’s hurt you, and your relationship with that person and the larger world.”
Once you forgive someone for something very painful, “you never experience life the same way again,” she says. “You’re more flexible, less black-and-white in your expectations of how life or other people will be. If there’s one thing that characterizes people who have experienced forgiveness, it’s that kind of larger perspective: I can’t predict what life will hand me, but I’m going to respond to it in this way.”
According to Luskin, an academic who is a forgiveness guru, forgiveness is simple, but not easy.
Definitely not easy.
Hard even.
Sometimes brutally difficult.
Forgiveness takes time. Forgiveness is choosing to release the bitterness, and allow space for your life to focus on life-giving stuff in your life. Luskin outlines 9 steps to forgive for good.
Forgiveness is like cancelling a debt. A debt that is real, that may be huge, that is owed you. Forgiveness acknowledges that the debt cannot be paid (generally you can’t “unring the bell” when someone has cheated you, slandered you, lied about you, done you harm), and so the pursuit to collect or punish for the debt is deliberately stopped. The debt is forgiven, cancelled. The debt mattered, but resenting a debt, and holding it up as a debt that is outstanding—that exists and should be repaid–only stirs up bitterness and resentment in you…the bitterness and resentment rarely serves any useful purpose towards collecting…and then the only one suffering is you.
This is tough stuff…forgiveness is not for the faint of heart or the namby-pamby. Forgiveness is a marathon, not a sprint…the deliberate choice to stay in a spirit of forgiveness is something that is a matter of the will, anticipating that over time, the heart will follow. Forgiveness involves deliberate processing of the pain, the injustice, and an opening of the heart in another direction away from the pain.
Forgiveness requires courage and fortitude. Forgiveness is a vote to move past “survive” to “thrive”, to look forward rather than back, to make a life for oneself rather than remain in a posture of blame. It empowers the forgiver, and releases them to be all of who they are, without getting pulled on a leash by a force that yanks, entangles and takes you off your path.
Consider letting go of the leash and choosing your own path.
Write a Comment