I took two afternoons off from work last week, playing hooky to go the malls to shop for Christmas presents. I thought I’d do it during the day when malls were a little emptier, and I’d dedicate the time to wandering around, being open to ideas I hadn’t thought of, and making purchases to check off my list.

It was fun.  Which is weird for me to say, because I generally avoid shopping.  But I was enjoying myself. Shopping at Christmas, imagining my friends and family enjoying my purchases.

When I was talking to Greg Mackling on CJOB680 this week about why we shop, he played this great clip to challenge us all about shopping at Christmas.  Kinda makes a person think about the commercialization of the season…

 

It got me to thinking…why do we shop?  I googled the question, and the first article that came up in the internet search, Why we shop: The Neurobiology of Consumption said:

I suppose if I were to narrow it down to the one most important thing, I would say that buying usually involves relationships in one way or another. The motivation for almost everything we buy has something to do with connecting with other human beings. Even when it comes to practical purchases, the particular brand or product we choose relates to our connections with other human beings.

Dr. Yarrow

author of Decoding the new consumer mind

So…what does shopping have to do with relationships?

1. Shopping is part of an opportunity to give.

“‘Tis better to give than receive” isn’t just shtick.  It’s true.  I love wandering through the malls, imagining what it would be like for a Junior Tribe Member to open this, or the laughter that might ensue in a gift exchange when that is revealed.

Shopping for gifts gives us opportunity to delight those we care about.  Shopping for food gives us a chance to know we are prepping to feed our families.  I choose pea pods over brussel sprouts, rye bread over brown, and strawberries over apples (even tho they cost more)…because of how my family will respond.  I like to give them what they like.

2. Shopping celebrates transitions

Shopping is a form of preparation.  Some of you are shopping for cribs and teddy bears for a little one that is coming.  Some of you are shopping for rings to pop a special question this Christmas. Some of you are buying legos instead of rattles, or clothing instead of dolls as your children are getting older. Shopping is a way to rehearse and plan and prep for changes that are coming.

Shopping is a way to acknowledge changes and prompt us to integrate the changes in our lives.  When we shop, we wrap our heads around new people we are buying for, new stages of the people in our lives, new stages in our lives.

3. Shopping is necessary to keep telling others who we are

What we wear, listen to, read, and drive all give messages to others about who we are.  And in this world of rapid change, and instant messaging, and personal branding, that requires constant shopping to be sending the right messages to those around us…and at Christmas, we may help others modify the messages they send to others by what they wear, read and listen to.

4. Shopping reduces anxiety

Shopping is great to reduce anxiety. Buy making a purchase with your money, you gain a sense of mastery. (And heck, if you’re a Winnipegger, who are known for bargain hunting…if you get something on a good deal, you feel even more powerful!)  In a world that often has us showing up when others say, doing stuff others tell us to do, and having relationships on other people’s terms, shopping gives us a chance to do it our way.

5. Shopping is a social activity

We don’t all live close to family.  It’s cold outside and going for a walk in the park doesn’t work…so we go to the mall and wander around…and shop. Shopping is a social activity. Friends go shopping when they are looking to do something with each other.

We chat with the store staff, and salespeople get to know us to know what we need, what our styles are, and how they can best serve. To be known, to be heard, to be valued–all things that good trained salespeople do–has us feel better.

(Though this is a little tricky, eh? Good salespeople are often naturally this way, and do their jobs cuz they love ’em…let’s face it, they are trying to get the sale, and they are also doing it for money–so while it feels good, it has some layers that make it unreliable as a main source of connection)

6. Shopping provides a buzz

Finding just the perfect _______ (insert name of miscellaneous item here), especially below the perfect price affects our brain… We get a dopamine rush that gives us a “feel good” feeling that has an addictive quality to it. It’s the same reward circuit that is at play with drug use, and binge eating. It has the potential to become a process addiction:

• if you’re feeling lonely, you go shopping
• if you’re feeling rejected or abandoned, you go look for something to buy
• if you’re feeling anything that feels “too much”, you numb those feelings with a layer of dopamine with a purchase of some sort

The problem, of course, with this, as with all addictive behaviours, is that shopping for the buzz disconnects  you from your own feelings, and creates its own issues with credit card bills, arguments within a family about overspending, and stress from being financially restricted in the future.

7. Shopping for others gives us a chance to prove our love, or to prove our worth

Giving gifts is a way to demonstrate love and affection…to celebrate the connection with others.  I have made purchases for family and friends that I’m looking forward to giving.  I’m looking forward to them wearing the shirt, or playing the game that I will give.  I welcome the opportunity to connect with them in a tangle way.

However, we all fall into the trap of “How much do I need to spend on ____?” so it’s “enough” (but not “too much”!)

There are folks who feel like they can neglect important relationships with time and energy–and make up for the disengagement with a great, expensive blingy gift that in intended to make up for all the hours of overtime.

Other folks fear that they don’t have enough to offer the relationship, and doubt their own value…and so providing an extravagant gift can help cement the relationship to make up for their own perceived lack of value. That feeling of not being worthy of love and belonging can overtake us all–and it’s tempting to double the value of a gift to make up the difference.

Of course…

there is often multiple nuanced layers with combined reasons for shopping that include multiple factors listed above, and quite possibly more that I haven’t listed.

There is NO parking available at the mall near my house this week…the malls are packed with folks making purchases.  I’d invite you to be mindful of the social relationship of shopping, and to lean into the surface and underlying motives behind your shopping to allow you to make the best purchases in ways that align with your values, and open spaces for difficult conversations if you are shopping for reasons that actually don’t align with your values or your budget.