We are wired for connection…
Yeah, I know…you’ve read that a time or two on this blog, right?
What it means is that we are social creatures, wired to want to belong. We feel better when we have people surrounding us…and it is helpful to split up chores and responsibilities, to band together against the dangers of this world, to keep each other warm, and to stick together to establish safety for the little ones we seek to raise to adulthood.
What it means is that we work to create community–to influence others and be influenced together. When we think together, we become a team. Becoming a team can make the difference between eating lunch and being lunch:
I love watching videos that show flocks of birds…somehow, these birds, which Winnie the Pooh always said were “of very little brain” could move in synchrony with each other in ways that Blow. My. Mind.
How do they do that? How do they work together so fluidly and incredibly?
They influence each other.
Humans may be a lot worse at flying, and a little more sophisticated in differentiating their behaviour, but we influence others.
Recent studies looked at how apathy is contagious:
We interpret the actions of the people around us. When we see people acting indifferently to a task, we know that they are expressing a lack of interest in that task. That lack of interest is then related to our existing commitment to a goal. When we are wavering in our commitment to a goal, then seeing others who are apathetic nudges us in the direction of giving up. When we are highly committed to a goal, then seeing others who are apathetic actually increases our commitment.
Art Markman
In 2007, I took a course where I had to critique research articles. One of the articles was: The Spread of Obesity in a Large Social Network over 43 years in The New England Journal of Medicine The study looked in a complex 3 dimensional way at the relationships up to three connections of over 12000 people over 32 years. Now, 7 years later, when Dahlia Kurtz at CJOB 680 asked me about this topic, I remembered this article because the significance of it stuck with me.
What researchers found was that a person’s chances of becoming obese increased by 57% if he or she had a friend who became obese in a given interval. If one spouse became obese, the likelihood that the other spouse would become obese increased by 37%. These effects were seen when folks were in significant relationships with others…the effect wasn’t among neighbours who merely leaved nearby each other.
Friends of the same gender had greater influence on each other with regard to Body Mass Index than opposite sex friends…makes sense, right? We live a lot of our social (read: eating) lives with our buddies of the same gender.
What this seemed to be about is something like this: if you are at work and finish your lunch in the lunchroom with 20 minutes left in the break, and you hang out with people with poor eating habits, then y’all may decide to head down to the candy machine and have some dessert. If a new staff person starts, and s/he’s a triathlete, after you watch him/her munch on their yogurt and veggies and hummus, you may get invited for a brisk walk outside. After several weeks of those noon walks, you may find yourself also changing what you bring for lunch.
I have coffee weekly with a friend of mine…and months ago, she got a wrist band that measured her steps everyday. She talked with me about it over the months…and a few times, we walked during our coffee time so she could get her steps count up. Getting in enough steps everyday became a natural part of her conversation. She never told me to get a wrist band…I just saw how good it was for her to have one.
In June, I got a wrist band as well.
My daily step count has tripled in the last 3 months…because of who I hang out with–M has been a marvellous influence on me. I’m fitter, lost a few pounds, and find myself eating better.
One or two elections past, I was busy during an election. One Junior Tribe Member had a practice at one end of the city, the other a game at the other end. I had messages to return, emails to write, notes to scribe, and milk to pick up…I could go on. I was tempted to skip the voting…after all, I have only one vote amongst a whole city’s votes. In my list of tasks, it didn’t seem all that important. A colleague overheard me, and sternly (and correctly) stated: “Carolyn, there are people literally dying in parts of the world to have their voice heard in determining the future of their city. They have given up so much in the fight to have influence. Many parts of this world, women are counted as having an opinion. You have a vote handed to you…how can you not exercise your right to vote?”
Gulp. Right between the eyes. She. Was. Right.
I found time to vote that day. I will always find time to vote. For as long as I live, I will vote every chance I get to honour the lives lost in the struggle to be able to have a vote.
I have that opinion because of L. She influenced me.
Years ago, I worked in a health care institution. It had a large department that I worked in. Morale was low. People complained. A lot. Management was labelled as incompetent. The government was criticized for not understanding health care. We didn’t have enough resources.
It rather became part of the culture to use coffee breaks to complain about all that was wrong with the system. It was pervasive and I remember being so very discouraged with all that was wrong with healthcare.
Then I moved cities and changed jobs…and began working for another health care facility. It had a “cup half full” sort of culture. This place had staff that encouraged each other to be involved in the community. We laughed and enjoyed each other’s adventures at coffee break. When budget cuts came down the pipe, there were meetings the executive had with each team asking for ideas as we all together brainstormed how we were going to triumph through a challenge without compromising patient care.
It was remarkable how much different two departments could be, given that they were both in the Canadian Health Care System. I could feel the change in my spirit as I worked in the second place…more compassionate and patient, giving people the benefit of the doubt, and doing what I was able to within the system to be part of the solution. Both places were working with imperfect systems run by imperfect people doing the best they can–but the attitude of those around me influenced me hugely.
Bottom line: How does a fish know its in water if that’s all it knows? It’s really hard. We can absorb the influence of others in our surroundings for good or bad without even realizing that it could be any other way.
Mindfulness is critical. When everybody else is complaining about their spouse at the gathering of friends, and you join in to be part of the crowd (because we are hardwired for connection, right?)…you leave with a grumpy feeling towards all that isn’t right with your partner. When you go to a different gathering, and you hear people challenging themselves on how to better connect with their partner–well, you go home with a different headspace.
What that means is making choices about what groups to hang around, and being thoughtful about what sort of influence you have in shaping the atmosphere that others are in…because others will conform to the standards that you participate in creating.
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