It’s a myth that if you solve all of your problems you’ll automatically be happy. We need to teach couples they will never solve most of their problems
John Gottman
John Gottman is a researcher/teacher/therapist that knows his stuff. He has researched many couples over many circumstances over many years. When he says something about what makes a marriage relationship work or not work, people listen. His stuff is respected for its scientific rigor.
He is clear that conflicts…problems in a relationship…are inevitable, and can very much be a part of all marriages: good ones, excellent ones, mediocre ones, and lousy, terrible ones. Conflict itself is NOT a predictor of divorce.
HOW the conflict is addressed, is the critical factor.
I’m gonna be posting a few of his videos over the next few days. LIttle pearls of wisdom that can have you do a bit of a check up on your marriage.
Today’s question: How much do you (you, yourself, singular) attack your partner when the discussion begins on a topic on which you disagree? What is your approach at the very beginning of an argument?
Notice I did not ask about the couple relationship, or your partner’s level of attack. Your spouse is responsible for his/her behavior. After viewing this video, the temptation will be to criticize your spouse’s conflict style, with noticing how attacking or defensive s/he is. The irony of the temptation of starting with criticizing your spouse on this, is that you have just done the very thing the video warns against…telling the other person, “The problem is really YOU”…you have just done something that is a poor predictor for the outcome of a relationship.
Today’s action: be curious about yourself. Notice what happens inside of you when there is a moment of conflict in your marriage. Does your heart rate change? Does your stomach get a twinge? Do you take care of those feelings by defending yourself and letting the other person know they are wrong? Do you make keeping yourself protected/defended/safe at a moment of disagreement a more important priority in that moment than having your spouse feel loved/heard/cared for/safe?
What happens if you take a deep breath, and after a moment say, “Tell me more about what’s bothering you, honey?” or “Can we talk about this, because our perspectives are really different” or even, “I’m surprised that you’re feeling that way. I’m gonna try hard to not get defensive right now…though that is difficult. Can you say more so I can understand your perspective…cuz what you just said has me wanting to yell and defend, but I’m gonna try and listen rather”
Watch. Notice. Be curious. Listen to the inside of you. Listen thoughtfully and carefully to the other. Imagine where his/her comment comes from…and imagine what it might be about.
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