Roses and Thorns–Do You Know How You are Perceived?

You wouldn’t think I would be one to add fuel to the fire that mocks therapists, and adds leveraget to those who think cynically about counselling/psychotherapy. But, I’m let you all in on some potentially incriminating information, for a reason…

As Dr. Norcross was trying to help us think realistically about ourselves as therapists at a workshop last week, he outlined the results of a study in which thousands of therapists were interviewed (yes, thousands, a large study sample). Researchers found:

• 25% of therapists see themselves in the top 10% of therapists in the field. Seems it’s a disproportionately crowded at the top! J

• 100% of these thousands of therapists saw themselves in the top 50% of therapists in the field. That’s right, folks, it’s not only just a little lonely at the bottom, it’s completely empty. There are no therapists who would describe themselves as being in the bottom 50% of practicing therapists. Do the math. It doesn’t work.

So apparently my profession isn’t very good at being insightful into their own performance…half of us overrate ourselves–substantially. Ouch.

Really. OUCH.

What’s particularly poignant about this, is that the evidence suggests that the outcome of therapy has little to do with how the therapist perceives therapy is going. The number one indicator of the likelihood that a successful experience of counselling? The CLIENT’S perspective on how well the therapy is going, and how effective the therapy can be.

At Bergen & Associates Counselling , we are working to be very deliberate in discovering the client’s experience of therapy. The evidence suggests that as we work to adapt and adjust counselling sessions in such a way that the client feels they are effective and that the therapists adjusts stylistically to help the client feel connected, the course of therapy will require less sessions and produce a better outcome. I’m all over that!

So, more on that in the coming months…we are rolling out a program that will allow us to continually tweak the sessions and what we do in therapy so as to make it maximally effective for each client.

Anyways, this got me to thinking…I work to be effective in my life—I try hard at it. But…perhaps the same principle applies here. I started imagining how I might think I am being a good family member to the very important people in my life, but actually don’t know if my efforts are being perceived the way I think they are. How would I know, without feedback?

So, borrowing off a colleague’s suggestion of a “thorns and roses” approach to gathering feedback from others, at our regular Monday supper family meeting, I invited people to comment on my role in the family in a candid way…asking them to give me “roses comments” for the things that meant a lot to them, that they perceived as helpful, and “thorns comments” for the things they thought I could do better on.

It was kind of a cool experience, even though I held my breath going in.

• My family appreciates me in ways which are surprising. I know now how much they value things that I do, that I didn’t even realize were significant—I can do more of those.
• Some things that I place huge effort in, they didn’t see as hugely important—that’s good to know. I can let some of those things go.
• Turns out they saw my internal stress the last couple of days more than I thought they might—oops…guess I’m not as good at protecting them from it as I might be…gotta work on my internal stress level so as not to have it spill over onto them.
• I find out that my propensity to turn the heat down at night is not as much of a humourous joke as I thought it was—it changes the way they feel at home…maybe I’ll compromise on this “green strategy” a little and find another way to contribute towards saving our planet.

I wonder if many of us don’t over rate our performance as a spouse/friend/parent…but have never “checked it out” to know how we are perceived by others.

What if we all are overrating our ability to relate meaningfully to the ones around us?

Do you know what it is in how you relate to others that is positive? Do you have a sense of what it is that you do that negatively impacts your relationship?

Do you just blame the other for misunderstanding your attempts, or can you hear feedback and modify your behavior in such a way as to be responsive to the people you care about. Can you increase your effectiveness as a mom/dad/brother/aunt/grandpa/friend by finding out what would be valuable to the other and have that matter?

Couple of provisos:

• If you’re gonna ask for feedback, you gotta do it in such a way that you let the other person know you genuinely want the “roses and thorns”. It’s hard to believe someone that they are really open–help them understand your genuine attempt to invite candid feedback
• Thorn messages can be hard to hear…work to be open, constructive with the feedback, calmly hear the “nuggets of truth” and find ways of being gracious to person about the stuff that isn’t constructive.
• “Thorn comments” are not reasons to beat yourself up, but information for learning opportunities about what is meaningful to the other.
• This is not about changing yourself into being exactly who you think the other person needs you to be at the expense of being yourself. This is about finding ways to showing the love and caring you have in more effective ways to the people you care about.
• Ensure that follow up conversation doesn’t have the other person regret letting them know of their perceptions…throwing it back in their face in an argument, blaming them for what they’ve said, and so on.
• Set it up thoughtfully, so that it is a “win/win” situation.

So…before you laugh too hard at us therapist-types for overrating ourselves…work at living an examined life as you relate to others around you, and see what surprises you might find about how effectively you relate to the others around you.