Relationship Maintenance

Nothings wrong with a tune-up…but do you bother?

I took my car in last week to Winnipeg Honda Service Department…it had been on my mind to get the car in before the snow flew. September and October were crazy months of teaching and driving tribe members hither and yon…and so by the time I got to calling the dealership, I had to wait another week to get it done. It was past due.

Got an oil change. And the “winterizing package”…don’t know what’s all involved in that…but now my car…well, she’s good to go. Yippee.

Now…I can drive her just fine. I know where the steering wheel is, turn signals, lights, fill’er up with gas, an even add windshield washer fluid and check the oil. (I can check the oil…which is different than saying I actually do). I’m a pretty good driver, and she’s a pretty good car…we get along fine. I like her, and I depend on her—heavily. (You might be asking how I know the car is a “she”…dunno…just she is…and for the record, my computer and phone are both “him’s”—go figger).

Point is, I rely on her. A lot. And she delivers. But I’m over my head with that seasononal maintenance.

I was feeling a little nervous about how long I’d let the oil change and full engine check go…cuz the longer you let it go..well, if there’s something wrong…it can get “wronger and wronger” over time, when it’s not attended to. And then things get inconvenient because I can be without a car for days, or need a tow, and it gets really pricey.

Letting the little things go unattended doesn’t seem like a big deal when I can get away without attending to them…but then one day, something snaps, and it’s big time trouble.

I can take something that is running well for granted…and assume all is well…even though I’m not taking the time and attention to do some preventative maintenance…and possibly, underneath the surface, trouble may be brewing.

By now, you’ve figured out that I’m not just talking about the car and my seasonal maintenance.

I know regular maintenance is important. I know I’m asking for trouble if I don’t do it. It’s a “no brainer” to get my car into the shop several times a year (well, it shouldn’t be a no brainer…and when I put it off like I did this time…I’m taking my chances)

We also need regular maintenance.

When’s the last time you had a chance to take some inventory about how you are doing? To hear yourself talk about what’s going on for you, how you’re looking after yourself, what’s troubling you, how you’re managing with those troubles, and what you are doing to give yourself joy?

Many people do this as a matter of course…when going out for coffee with a friend, or a cozy conversation with a spouse. Others haven’t done it for a looooong time.

And…when’s the last time you took stock of your relationships?

• Have you asked your spouse if they have been feeling loved or cared for lately?
• Have you taken time to discuss with your spouse the fact that you’ve had the same argument (unsuccessfully) several times in the last month…to discover what’s underneath that pattern?
• What would it be like to ask your spouse for some candid feedback about how they are experiencing you and your relationship?
• Have you asked your significant other what questions you should be asking so that you can hear answers that are important for the other to give you?

Of course, this can also be helpful with your administrative assistant, best friend, fellow coach, or mentor…the idea is to think about some regular preventative maintenance on yourself and your important relationships.

You can be informal and do this over a second cup of coffee sometime. At Bergen and Associates Counselling, we do deliberate relationship maintenance with our clients regularly as part of Feedback Enhanced Therapy…at the end of sessions, we formally ask for feedback about how they experience the session and feel about the relationship with the therapist. A good working relationship with a therapist is vital to do good work in counselling.

For couples, you can use a tool to get some more formal documentation and a place to start the discussion with the Couple Checkup. There is a charge for this tool, but things that are important are worth investing in.

You might suggest I’m self serving here…but I truly do believe that sometimes that relationship “check up” can be done (or is some cases, is best done) with a therapist. Find one you trust…get to know him or her for some “preventative maintenance”…and think about going a couple of times a year for a check in with your spouse. And, should your relationship ever blow a gasket, you would have his/her number on speed dial and an already established place to explore how to get the relationship back on track.

Maintenance and occasional repair work…even extensive repair work, is an inevitable part of all relationships.

It is not a failure to have to get some input from a therapist, anymore than it is a failure for me to have to go to a mechanic for an oil change and a multi point maintenance inspection.