“Tell me what to do!!”
I often get couples asking me what a healthy marriage looks like…what behaviors and strategies set them up for success.
One of the questions I often ask couples is, “How do you know what you want your marriage to look like?” Increasing numbers of couples don’t have an answer to that question.
Couples may know what they want their marriage to not look like…but many couples have no reference points of couples in a marriage that has features and qualities that they admire and want to emulate.
Harriet Lerner has written, “Marriage Rules”, a great handbook…106 short 2-4 page bits of marital advice.
It’s sound stuff…culled from respected research about what makes for quality marriages. Easy to read, filled with quirky and interesting stories that help make marriage rules make sense.
On dialling down criticism…she says, “If your attempts to reach your partner aren’t getting through, it won’t help to do more of the same. The habit of criticism is hazardous to any relationship. If you take away just one thing from this book, let it be this:
(page 24)
It’s good grounding to be reminded about relationship basics. Most of us know this stuff, truly we do…but the best of us can forget some of this stuff, and so simple reminders are really helpful. And some of us are still feeling out a healthy relationship, and struggling to get landmarks and footholds to grab onto in trying to figure it out in the scramble of everyday life.
What is probably the nicest perk of this book are the tips in areas that folks struggle with–basic common sense, well thought out advice. It would be nice if we …
How to deal with that pursuer-distancer dance that so many couples are engaged in:
-identify your role in the dance
-don’t try to make a cat into a dog
-make a date, not a diagnosis
Sex:
-Address emotional intimacy by addressing basic fairness issues in the relationship
-Women: tell your partner what you want
-Men: try not to get defensive
How to keep marriage alive during those early years of parenting:
-don’t trade your partner in for the baby
-keep negotiating, “Who does what”
-don’t obsess about getting it right
Helping your marriage survive step kids:
-don’t push for closeness
-stepmothers: don’t try to be any kind of mother!
-support kids connections in both households as a spiritual practice
This book is easy to read, and good basic reminders to warm up the relationship, cool down the criticism and find ways to meaningfully re-connect with one’s partner.
I recommend it!
I’m interested in hearing from you…what would you say is the most helpful bit of relationship advice that you’ve received? I’d love to share the wisdom!
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