I blogged recently about the way adolescents, mostly girls, have incredible, seemingly blind support for Justin Bieber, which seems exuberant to a level that hardly fits the situation:  He lives 1000’s of miles away, they have never spoken to him, but they believe they have known him because of how much time they have spent with his music, his image in their inner world.

We can gape open mouthed  at #BeliebersNeverLetYouGo and #BeliebersTogetherforJustin on Twitter because we say we don’t understand…except they give us such a clear example of something all of us do…we internalize perceptions of people and hold onto them, and act out of them, rightly or wrongly, on an ongoing basis.

There are four ways in which holding an internal representation of others inside of us affects us:

1. We internalize someone in a way that isn’t accurate…it’s biased.  The relationships suffers…and the connection isn’t authentic. 

In a viral video making the rounds on social media, Jonathan says:

I was scared to come out to my dad…I was just so down, and he was like, “What’s wrong with you”…and I was like, “nothing”…and looked at me and he said, “What did in I do in failing you? What did I do to fail in raising you to trust me?” and I said, “Dad, what are you talking about?” He says, “Why can’t you tell me that you’re gay? Why can’t you tell me how you want to live your life; what makes you happy?  That’s all I have ever wanted for you.“

So often, my work with couples is undoing these internalized representations of the other…she “knows” how he doesn’t really care–what she don’t know is he has a hard time saying, “I love you” because of how much he does love her, and how he fears she wouldn’t say it back, and how that would positively kill him inside.

The challenge is to give space to “test it out”…to check out one’s perceptions…and to know that we are often judging others harshly by their behaviours, when we tend to look at ourselves out of our intentions.

2. We carry the threatening voices and phrases of our youth inside of ourselves and they play on near constant repeat

The internal representation of harsh, angry, and violent voices from the past can feel so automatic as to be unconscious and slices up one’s soul.

We’ve all met folks who are still trying to please and look successful to a parent long dead that said, as a theme, or maybe only once, memorably, “You’ll never amount to anything.”

Think for a moment…when you’ve just to tried something new and intimidating, do you hear a voice that says, “Who do you think you’re kidding!  You totally messed that up.  You’re not good enough.”  Whose voice is it? A parent’s voice? A bully’s? A critical teacher’s voice?

Every week I meet people who have internally captured critical phrases, harsh tones, emotional whippings from relationships they have had earlier in their lives…and these get repeated over and over during periods of vulnerability.

3. We remember threatening and painful relationships as highly memorable…and we go through life expecting others to act the same way.

Picture this: A guy’s first girlfriend in junior high leaves him for his best friend.  Ouch.  Years later, he marries…and then leaves after a few years to be with a guy she met at the gym.  Sock in the gut. He starts to date a new woman…lovely, kind and has integrity.  But he treats her like he knows she is going to cheat on him…like it’s only a matter of time before she also betrays him.

She wonders how he could think that about her.  She’d never cheat on a guy, ever…but he is so suspicious of her…and it eats at her that he doesn’t trust her.

It’s not about her.

This sort of internalized perception that we can have of a person that we transfer onto others who might be similar in some way happens more often than we often realize:

 

• a service person at the garage oversells work that needs to be done…and every mechanic forth is viewed with suspicion
• a young teen from the school tramps across your yard and tosses some garbage, and you start to scowl at any teen that walks by, now viewing their laughter as rowdiness, and good natured jostling as sign of hooliganism
• you go see a therapist and the therapist tells you stories about her life for a while, and then seems to doze part way through the session…and you write off all therapists everywhere as worse than useless

4. When we remember someone who loved us for who we are, believed in us, and authentically encouraged us, we can recall our memories of them to remind us of who we are when we are likely to forget.

 

We’ve all had a Grandma or a teacher, or an aunt, or a parent that loved us.  That made us feel safe.  That when they talked, they believed in us…and we walked taller, and spoke clearer.  When we spotted them in the audience at the school concert, we found courage to smile and sing boldly.

We can internalize these people as well.  And when we aren’t sure of ourselves, and don’t know how to move forward, we can consult with our internal loved ones to help us draw out the best in ourselves.

When my Junior Tribe Members were young, and I was pulling out my hair, and they were pushing my buttons, and I was tired and overwhelmed and just couldn’t do it anymore, I would take a deep breath and ask myself how R or L would handle it.  Two mothers who I saw as very loving, very capable, very patient, and very creative…they had a great relationship with their kids cuz they were funny and warm, but there was no pushing them around…they raised their children to help out, be respectful.  When I couldn’t parent effectively cuz I just didn’t know what to do, I would ask myself what they would do/say, and I would do that.

We sometimes forget that we can receive ongoing encouragement from Baba, Gigi, Oma, Pepe, even if they have passed, because we know what s/he would say…because s/he said it to us dozens of times when we were children. You may not have that teacher in your life anymore, but she knew you, she read your work, and she saw potential in you…you can know what she would say to you when you’re struggling at university.

It’s part of human nature to, without realizing it, when we receive a few pieces of a puzzle of a person, to fill in the rest of the picture in a way that makes sense to us.  If we do so without being mindful, we feel in the picture in ways that “work” for us unconsciously…and we lose the ability to see the other for who they really are.

That can be our loss…when we cheat people of the chance to be fully themselves, we all lose.  When we decide for people who they are to us, we lose the chance for authentic connection.

When we take time to get to know people authentically and accurately…by grounding and checking in and checking our perceptions…we enable authentic connection.

When we can’t check things out, we can check our assumptions and monitor our perceptions to avoid over generalizing in a way that is unfair, not only to others, but to ourselves.

We can’t avoid internal representations of others…that’s a part of how memory works…and when we remember others accurately, it can remind ourselves of our strengths and inherent value, it can keep us safe from those that truly pose a danger.