Answering “why” is hard.

The first experience with “why” that I remember sticks powerfully. I was a child…I think I might have been three or four. My brother and I were brushing our teeth at the bathroom sink…and the toothpaste cap slipped out of my fingers and it fell down the bathroom drain.

It must have difficult to retrieve. My father was angry.

I remember distinctly him saying, “Why did you do that?” and instinctively knowing that there was no right answer. There was nothing I could say to his why that would be an acceptable answer.

Why?

It felt like a trap.

I was supposed to give a reason. But there wasn’t one. I hadn’t intended to. It was an accident. But it didn’t feel like there was room in the question for an answer that wouldn’t be met with anger.

“Why” was a set up.

You know what I’m talking about. You’ve asked “why” too…not expecting an answer that will build understanding and conversation…but using whatever the answer is, as an opportunity to rip into the other person, all your frustrations and anger.

Why:

• Puts the other on the defensive
• Sets it up to suggest there is one right answer and the person is being tested to see if they can guess it
• Can quite often suggest, at least in tone, that the other person is wrong, and you are just giving the other person a chance to tell you how they blew it (because then you can go into a self righteous blast)

I’ve worked to essentially eliminate “why” from my vocabulary. (This will be a life long project, I suspect) I still use it, I ‘m sure, but I seek to avoid it whenever possible. I’ve worked to switch to “how”.

How:

• Implies a curiousity
• Suggests the questioner wants to know and learn
• Suggests the responder has some information that can inform.
• invites a conversation where there is space for respectful dialogue.

Notice they difference:

• Why did you come home so late from work?
• How is it that you are so late coming home from work?

• Why did you yell at me yesterday?
• How is it that you found it necessary to yell at me yesterday?

• Why are you being so evasive?
• How is it that it makes sense right now for you to be evasive?

Perhaps the biggest advantage of “how” vs. “why” is that “how” questions are a little harder, and require a wee bit more thought than the “why” questions. And the extra effort has me slow down and be able to ask the question in a way that has a better chance of an interactive discussion rather than blasting the other person with an accusation, so…

• “Why did you just do that?”

can become:

• “Can you explain how it was that you just chose to do that?”

Imagine how the second question might create space for a more productive dialogue than the first (especially when the tone might be different too). Try it for a few days…and let me know what you think…what happens when you switch from “why” to “how”.