It was a day thinkin’ about grief yesterday…it was Jack Layton’s funeral, and the TV was on as I was going about my day. I usually prefer music when I’m around the house, but it was compelling watching the outpouring of grief for Mr. Layton, and to watch the drama as his friends and family had the public eye on them as they attended the processional and funeral for their loved one.
Then, as I sat down for supper, I happened to flip onto a rerun of Oprah that had been recorded from earlier this week. It was on “life changing moments” from the show over the last 25 years. She played a clip from years ago of a woman quite stuck in her grief after the murder of her 18 year old daughter…the woman had every intention of killing herself on return home from the show, as the grief was unbearable.
Dr. Phil challenged her on her outlook:
When Dr. Phil asked Jo Ann if her daughter would want her to hurt like this, Jo Ann said that her daughter would actually be angry at her for her behavior. “So it wouldn’t be a betrayal,” Dr. Phil told her. “Maybe the betrayal is focusing on the day of her death, rather than celebrating the event of her life. She lived for 18 vibrant and wonderful years, and you focus on the day she died.” Jo Ann responded by saying, “I never thought of it that way.”
Jo Ann went home and moved forward with her life, still thinking of and being sad for her daughter, but also “starting living” as her other daughter put it.
Moments later on the same show, the acclaimed author Toni Morrison was interviewed. Slate, her son, passed away last December. Her heart aches forever. “I expect to be sad the rest of my life…and I’m not unhappy about that. It’s seems that if I were looking for closure and some way to move on, that’s a insult to him. I know how to do my work, I do a lot of work…[but] I don’t expect that memory to go anywhere, I don’t even want it to…I can remember it.”
Sort of an interesting thought to me as I reflected back on Olivia Chow’s comments in the video shown at the funeral today of her husband:
Some people say to me that Jack’s voice is gone, I’m so sad. I’m sad. We’re sad. But let us not look behind us, let us look forward, look at what we can accomplish together to make sure that Jack’s voice is not silenced. I think that is a good way to celebrate his life.
Then she is quiet, and as the camera continue to roll, her eyes tear, and her hand comes to her face, as she weeps…clearly not only looking forward…but vividly remembering her soul mate that is gone.
It seems that grief recovery is this paradoxical condition of both
- remembering and honoring the sadness with acknowledging its inevitable lingering presence and
- incorporating that loss in a life that embraces the hope of a future and living a life where loss doesn’t stop life, but becomes a part of the fabric of that life.
I expect that as Olivia Chow goes back to Parliament, and continues to work on the future that she and her husband have spent years passionately working for—I expect she will be sad for the rest of her life when she thinks on the loss of Jack Layton…and I hope, like Toni Morrison, she’s not unhappy about that.
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