Death Anxiety

He talked about how some are so afraid of dying, that they never plunge themselves into living. Elsewhere, Yalom has said: “it’s like going on an ocean cruise and refusing to enter into friendships or interesting activities in order to avoid the pain of the inevitable end of the cruise”.

Some will avoid that which carries the impending threat of loss–sometimes it is as obvious as playing it very safe in one’s life to avoid any risk of serious physical injury–but sometimes it is as subtle as avoiding relationships that have the possibility of ending (and let’s face it, most have that risk).

Some will distance themselves by “finding” great cause to be angry with another…making a relationship that has become very meaningful hurt less when it ends (and ironically, likely hastening that relationship’s dreaded demise)

Some will find ways of postponing the “next step” of a career, a job, a promotion to avoid the possibility of disappointment if it doesn’t work out.

I recall a man who avoided asking someone he was interested in, on a date…as long as he didn’t ask, he had the fantasy of hoping she would say “yes”. The fantasy of that possibility was more valued that actually finding out if getting to know each other further would lead to a relationship. As long as he didn’t ask, he had the hope that there was a potential for a meaningful relationship.

Alas, the cost of nurturing the fantasy of a potential relationship was that a real relationship never had the possibility. His concern was legit–the relationship may well have not have turned out…she might have turned him down flat, or she might have gone out once or twice and then he would have realized she wasn’t who he thought she was, or they might have gotten very serious only to be heartbroken by a painful relationship months or years down the road. It may have turned out as a death of a relationship.

But it might not have turned out badly. It might have been a neat opportunity to get a really wonderful new friend, or maybe even a lover, or possibly a lifetime partner. Someone has to ask the other one out for all fabulous life long partnerships to start…and there are many wonderful ones in this world. But that man will never know. He didn’t have the loss…but neither did he get the full advantages of life.

Death and loss are inevitable…and painful. No doubt.

That loss can paralyze…but it doesn’t have to. If we are honest, we each struggle with the battle daily–how much do I invest, do I risk? How much could I get wounded and hurt? Is it worth it? We struggle against ourselves as we both seek and are afraid to fully love and to fully live.

Life is a gift, one that is too precious to hide out from. Love is the greatest prize that life offers. The challenge lies in confronting the fear of loss and death in a way that allows for us to claim victory…for some, that means the courage to get to the starting line and go across it. I admire those for whom life experience demands an extra dose of bravery, and rustling up inner resources of soul and Spirit, and external resources of friendship and support, they dare to accept the loan of life and plunge into living.

Life and love–grab it and squeeze it.