So…I’m directionally challenged.  The GPS is my best friend in a new city, and even with it, I don’t always get to my destination the first time.  I’m not proud of that, but it is what it is, and so I’ve learned to be patient with myself, and allow for extra time.

This summer, I was on a course in Guelph, Ontario…and had my trusty GPS out helping me find different locations throughout the week.  As often happens when I’m driving, sometimes because there is construction that she couldn’t possible know about (yes, the GPS is female and she talks to me), or truthfully, more often because I just got turned around and didn’t understand what she meant she would say to me, “Recalculating, recalculating”.  I heard this often during the week, and I remember thinking to myself:

Gosh…she’s sooo patient with me.  And isn’t it nice that rather than saying, “NO NO YOU BLEW IT!!”, she just gently cues me to rethink my route.

It was almost like a mama saying to her child, “No sweetie, this arm goes in this hole.  Now you got it!”

And I was grateful that she didn’t shame me, but rather gently called my attention to correct me. I enjoyed my week driving with her.

Now…this is where I feel a little foolish in telling you about last summer, the summer before.  I was away for a week then too, and found myself driving a rental in a strange city, and true to form, she would often be called upon to say, “Recalculating, recalculating.”

The weird thing is that when I heard if often during that week the previous year, I remember thinking to her:

“STOP MAKING FUN OF ME!!” when she would so rudely and sarcastically say her message by YELLING her repeatedly mocking message at me.

It annoyed me that she was so nasty about the fact I made a wrong turn. I remember believing she was yelling at me…and I didn’t like it.

So…by now, you’re kinda wondering if I’m a little loopy.  Cuz I am as aware as you are that her voice is a machine.  It stays the same. I know that.  And so I myself found it odd that one summer I find her annoying and nasty and sarcastic, and the next summer I find the same mechanized words patient, gentle and encouraging.

I get that I imposed my own frame of mind on how I interpreted a computerized voice.

Lest you judge me too harshly, let me assure you that this is a very clear example of something we all do all the time.

When we get to know people, we internalize how we remember and experience them. We have a certain feeling when we are around them, and we get to know who they are and how they respond to us and the rest of the world.  And, after a while, we develop a sense of who they are. And after a while, we really trust the way we have internally understood them.

Have you ever heard something and you think, “I’m going to have to ask my friend why she said that?”, and you mentally play out how it will go…what you will say, what your friend will say, how you will respond, and how the friend will respond back. You’ve had the entire conversation back and forth in your head…and by the time you meet your friend at the end of the day, you are fuming at her, because you have already had the conversation and it didn’t go well?

Has that ever happened to you? ….yeah, me neither. 🙂

 

So, enter Beliebers…the young girls who faithfully have a “meaningful relationship” with Justin Bieber, the superstar singer, who performs in such a way as to have each teen think he is crooning only them because of how special she is…and you get people who will defend him…not only for some of the trouble he seems to have gotten into, but even for a whole lot worse.

Look and see:

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Now…lest we be too harsh on these Bieber fanatics…think about it.

Most of these are teenage girls live in a world that is often harsh for them…there’s pressure to get good grades, pressure to be smart, pressure to not be too smart lest she come off arrogant or unapproachable, pressure to look good, pressure not to try to hard to look good, girlfriends that are comparing who has a boyfriend or who made the team, guys who whisper and point and glare making every girl wonder if she is good enough or pretty enough, disappointments with parents who just don’t seem to understand, and girlfriends who break confidences and betray you behind your back, and social media comparing notes and making life a pressure cooker in general.

A teenage girl needs a safe place.  And for many, Justin Bieber is that safe place.  She has internal conversations with him…and he is warm and understanding.  She falls asleep imagining going on a date, and he is the perfect gentleman.  When friends are mean, or her parents don’t understand, she listens to his music and just instinctively knows he will get it.

What she doesn’t realize is that it is her internal representation of Justin Bieber that would be perfect.  

She actually hasn’t a foggy clue what the actual Justin Bieber would do…because She. Doesn’t. Know. Him. Except she doesn’t know that, because she knows she spends hours with him.

For generations, people have been doing this…but without the audience that social media has supplied today’s teens.   Teen heartthrobs like Back Street Boys, N’Sync, Britney Spears, Heather Locklear, Farrah Fawcett, Fonzie, Sean Cassidy and so serve a valuable purpose. Teens have “relationships” with them…and when those internal conversations happen, they are kind and warm and supportive and safe in a way their real world isn’t. Teens gain strength from these relationships. Admit it…who was your “go to” person to spend time with before you fell asleep at night?

It’s like we have been given a few pieces of the puzzle about Justin Bieber…his image with his latest swooped up cut, his crooning with eyes right into the camera, his megawatt smile with some carefully crafted responses in interviews…carefully crafted puzzle pieces. A few puzzle pieces of a large puzzle…that’s all we get.

And soooo many pieces to the puzzle we couldn’t possibly have access to… So, they (and actually, every single one of us that has had an independent thought about the Biebs) unconsciously fills in the gaps in the way it makes sense to them.

 

• Some will see a spoiled brat that thinks he can get away with anything cuz he’s rich and he thinks the rules don’t apply to him as an entitlement
• Some will see him as a hero with great kindness for gravely ill children, a heart for those in poverty, and believe that she is only one introduction away from being best friends with a guy who would be great to know, and would probably love her
• Others will think he’s a victim of hangers-on who are desperate to be his new best friends and will say or do whatever they have to, to get in or stay in his inner circle…include exposing him to serious trouble

 

Truth is, none of us know Justin Bieber. And that’s OK. How could we possibly know someone we have never met? And to complicate it, he has media folk carefully crafting an airbrushed image of his life, while a group of tabloid reporters craft an equally cynical disparaging image. Which puzzle pieces are real?

Now…if you think that teens are a little “off” for having these intense relationships with people they don’t really know, please be kind…and honest.  And if you won’t/can’t be candid with a person who shows this, and asks you what sort of internal conversations you have, at least be honest with yourself.

Modern media encourages us to take snippets of information and make huge judgements on little information and weigh in on our opinions.  Opinion polls often are at the bottom of news and entertainment articles, asking us what we think…when there is no possible way we can make an informed decision.  Our decision about whether this politician might be an alcoholic, or which Bachelor the Bachlelorette should choose, or whether this couple should stay together, or that building should be built on that block is based largely on the way we unconsciously fill in the puzzle when we are handed only a few pieces. We live in a culture that suggests we have a right to weigh in on matters and people in ways we can’t really know about.

Part 2 of understanding the good and bad of “filling in the blanks” in a few days.  We all project onto people. We all create internalized images all the time.  Most of us are sophisticated enough not to twitter about our perceptions for the world to giggle at…but the Beliebers give us an opportunity for us to see our own reflection.