Love isn’t, first and foremost, a soft, mushy thing.

It’s a brave, bold way of saying, “I see you, you matter, I care.”

Love is controversial and dares to show itself even when it’s hard.

Love takes risks, potentially looks foolish and uninformed that not exerting itself at all.

And that makes loving terrifying.

A few weeks ago, I was leading a conference, and a discussion arose in the group about race and privilege and the ways in which new Canadians find being here hard in ways us established Canadians wouldn’t even know about.

As a white person who is second/third generation Canadian, it was uncomfortable for me to lead this discussion.

Would I be respectful?
Would the way in which I facilitated the conversation be offensive in ways I wasn’t even aware of?
Is my position of privilege something that would unconsciously act out of, in ways that aren’t helpful?
Would I act out of alignment with my values without even being aware of it?

It was a challenging conversation for me because I wanted to lead it well, and there were so many ways to lead it wrong. As a leader, I contemplated briefly steering the conversation to something I felt more comfortable with, but it felt, even the moment, the worst way to deal with the possibility of leading it wrong was to not lead it at all. I took a deep breath, and stayed with the discomfort and we had a conversation about white privilege.

The group exchanged ideas, and told personal stories vulnerably…some of the very new Canadians put their heart on their sleeves as they spoke. We were all struggling to listen carefully, and observe our own reactions to the conversation, and ask curious questions to learn more. It was powerful to hear people say hard things that never get said out loud.

It was scarily beautiful.

At the end of it, I let people know that this conversation was hard and brave for all of us. And I said that given that I was a white person with privilege, and that we often aren’t aware of privilege, I might have been offensive in ways I wouldn’t have known. I asked folks to let me know if I had directed the conversation, or said something that wasn’t respectful.

As a woman, I so value when a male will point out to another male that he is speaking over or squeezing me out of the conversation. It carries a different perspective than if I would point it out. It carries weight when a person of privilege speaks to another person of privilege.

As a white person of privilege in Canada who has English as my first language, I need to be awake in my life…to have brave conversations acknowledging all the ways in which I benefit. I need to speak these out. I need to be open to having these pointed out in my life–even if it stings.

I went to see Hidden Figures movie yesterday. It was moving to watch a white man smash the “colored women’s restroom” sign off the wall…saying, “Here at NASA, we all pee the same colour”. He was using his position of privilege to stop people of colour needing to travel to far corners of the complex to use a restroom.

It was powerful.

I want to be a person that smashes through privilege.

Today, on Valentine’s Day, I’m inviting my fellow white friends who have privilege to be aware and notice injustice from which we benefit. We need to name it and participate in the dismantling of the ways in which we benefit. We need to participate in creating a culture that acknowledges inequities. We need to be willing to be uncomfortable as we notice ways in which we benefit from…

flesh colored bandaids that are my skin color
actors, politicians and professionals the same skin color
the ability to assure our sons that police want to protect them and keep them safe
the rules of how to move and be in this culture were set up by people who think like me and look like me

I invite you to be willing to be a part of uncomfortable conversations along with me. Can we give permission to ourselves to ask questions that might seem silly? Can we extend grace to another when they ask a question that feels offensive–because at least someone is asking a question? Can we be brave enough to name things that will be uncomfortable for some, but important for us all to grow?

We will all be stronger as we work to understand each better and create a more inclusive community.