Check in weekly for Lindsey’s top 10 list…we will intersperse this series with other thoughts from therapists…tune in next week for #9.

If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a person changes one's own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards that person...We need not wait to see what others do.

I’ve made a list of Ten Foundations of Meaningful Relationships I’ll be sharing these here over the next 10 weeks.

If you want something (or someone) to change, begin by being that change yourself.

You can’t expect to change your wife, kid, or boss (though I’ve tried) without figuring out who you really want to be. And then once you know who you want to be, you need to be that way. This has been a hard lesson for me to put into practice.

Case in point: for the longest time my wife would get mad at me for smoking.

My response was often, “Well, I smoked when you met me. I smoked when you married me. Why do you expect me to change?” – As if it matters what we’ve done in the past. If what I’m doing right now is making me and my marriage suffer, well, I’d best take responsibility for the harm I’m causing, oughtn’t I?

Not that it is easy to quit smoking. It continues to be a challenge. But that’s exactly the point:

Change is often hard. It is hard enough to be worth doing. Click To Tweet

And to give up smoking was a big, difficult change. It continues to be a challenge, though a smaller and smaller one over time.

I literally know, in my bones, what it is like to be totally, irredeemably addicted to something that is the worst (legal) thing in the world. And to this day, I still want to smoke.

Anyhow, the simple fact is that when I decided to become the sort of guy who was the change he wanted to see in the world, my marriage got a lot better. Not because I was doing what she wanted me to do, though I was, but because I was living up to my own values.

But even though I quit smoking for myself, it sure reduced the tension at home. It took a lot of the edge off of our conversations. Turns out that as I treat myself better, my wife treats me better, too.

So, hey, there you go. Be the change you wish to see in the world.