Inside Out: Your Inside Family and Outside Family

Yes…Bergen and Associates Therapists are Pixar’s Inside Out fans. Lindsey Walsh continues our love for the movie…and explains why he, even before he sees them movie, loves the concepts behind it.

Has Hollywood finally gotten something Absolutely Right?

My wife and I have a date to go see Pixar’s Inside Out. I can hardly wait any longer. Honestly, I haven’t been this excited about a cartoon since the original (and much, much, much better Transformers movie 25 years ago). After all, this is a movie about emotions – and emotions matter.

Inside Out’s trailer shows us how Sadness, Joy, Disgust, Fear, and Anger all try to guide the mom, dad, and daughter through a
troubling situation.

And at first they blow it.

Yup, all the emotions get together to make things worse for the little girl and her emotions.

But, since Pixar/Disney make movies with happy endings, I’m guessing that at some point mom and dad actually get it right. I’m guessing that Mom’s Inner Family and Dad’s Inner Family – all those emotions – get together to help their daughter feel nurtured and cared for.

So, you can probably understand why I’m so excited about this movie. Hollywood is generally making us mis-understand or deny our emotions. I have good reason to believe Inside Out does a better job!

And, yes, it’s true: all people have both an Inner Family and an Outer Family. You don’t see that in most movies.

And sometimes our Inner Families are in harmony with themselves.

And sometimes, just like our Real World Families, they are in disharmony.

Just as I have a mom, a step-dad, a wife, a son (who also has birth parents – somewhere), I have an Inner Family.

My Inner Family has lots of members and it looks like Inside Out got it right: Joy, Anger, Fear, Disgust, and Sadness would be the Inner Family Members we hear from the most.

Oh, except for one that’s possibly missing: let’s call him/her Fearful Reason.

Fearful Reason tries to manage us. Fearful Reason’s job is to keep us from making fools of ourselves. Fearful Reason is calm and composed and s/he sounds a lot more rational than s/he actually is.

I’ll prove it to you:

When you were a kid, did you ever want to tell your mom or dad a teacher that they did something that hurt your feelings? At that moment, Fearful Reason probably launched into a monologue like this:

“Oh, don’t say that.
Don’t tell them that. There are two
outcomes here, buddy, and neither of them is any good for you:

“Outcome 1– Fearful Reason continues, “Mom/Dad/Teacher hears
you, and they feel bad – and then you
won’t be able to get them off of your back.
Outcome 2– They deny what
they’ve done or said and you will feel
even worse!

So, just keep your mouth shut!”

Sound familiar? (Or have I just been watching too many cartoons?) Anyhow, that’s how Fearful Reason likes to talk. And when Fearful Reason is at it, there is much less colour in the world.

You will notice your world seems much more black and white, and much less nuanced when Fearful Reason is talking.

And, if you listen to Fearful Reason for too long, you might find yourself making lots and lots of assumptions.

Yes, it’s often the case that when you start making negative assumptions about what you and other people are feeling, a good guess is that you are probably dealing with Fearful Reasoning.

I like and honour my Fearful Reasoning part. I know F.R. is just doing his job of keeping me from eating shoe leather. Still, it’s important for me to not let him take charge for too long. There are other emotions to listen to, as well, up there at Headquarters.

Understanding emotions using Inside out and Rising Strong. Quote by Brené Brown: When we deny our stories and disengage from tough emotions, they don

There’s one more thing that I’d like to mention before I close off Part One of this Post.

(I’ll write and post Part 2 once I’ve actually gone to see the movie.)

There’s one more crucial message, and one that is at the core of every therapy session I have with adults and with children.

It is the one idea that helps make the craziness of our world manageable:

At the centre of your and my Inner Family, in the midst of all of those messy and wonderful emotions, is something we can choose to call Self, Soul, or Spirit.

I’ll stick with “Self” since most people refer to “myself” on a day-to-day basis.

Anyhow, your Self is the natural leader of your Inner Family. It is yourself–that listens to your Sadness, Joy, Fear, Anger, or Disgust. It is your Self that chooses how to respond.

When we have balance in our lives, our emotions trust our Self to take the lead.

Our Self is the driver of the bus. The emotions are the passengers sharing what they see, hear, and feel with the driver.

But, sometimes, the passengers revolt and take over.

Literally.

For instance, when a person gets cut off while driving… many of us are not so centred at those moments.

No mater how calm, curious, and compassionate we were feeling a moment before. No matter how Self led our emotions were before getting cut off…

Suddenly, for a lot of us, all that is out the window and Anger takes the opportunity to shove Self out of the driver’s seat.

And maybe, just maybe Anger expresses itself (in your head or out loud) with some words that you or I wouldn’t use in day-to-day conversation with our grandmothers….

Since this is a family-friendly blog, I won’t get any more descriptive than that.

Or maybe Fear kicks in. Perhaps your child and spouse are in the car and you get cut off.

For a moment you are terrified! You slam on the breaks and do a quick check to make sure your loved ones are ok…

And then Anger kicks in and maybe you make your loved ones feel a little less OK by sharing a few choice words that you might not say in day-to-day conversation with your grandmother.

So then what? How do you regain your compassion and your composure? How do you get back into Self?

Perhaps it takes a gentle comment from your spouse, or catching a random comment made by your child in the back seat. Maybe your child repeats one of your words and you blush, and then chuckle.

Who knows.

But something probably brings you back to Self. You stop being Mad Max, Road Warrior, and return to being…

You.

Now, people sometimes have asked me, “How do I know that I am being my Self, and not letting an emotion drive the bus?”

It’s a great question.

I guess we know that our Self is driving the bus when all of our Inner Family Members have a seat. When Sadness, Joy, Anger, Disgust, and Fear all get to go along for the ride; when each of our emotions gets to pick what music is on the radio from time-to-time…

Then you are probably being You.

Same goes with our Real World Families!

When my son and wife know that I hear and hold their emotions; when they feel that I am right there with them, no matter what happens, then they trust me and we have harmony in our household.