There are lots of tough jobs out there; I think of the folks who put gas in my van when it’s -45 Celsius (my frozen fingers thank you!), or those who work late and long shifts in hospitals, factories, or riding around in cop cars keeping people safe.  I’d also like to think parenting makes the list of jobs that can be arduous and exhausting (and simultaneously awesome and rewarding).  Whether you have kids of your own or simply know people who do – it’s no secret that raising small people into hopefully half-decent big people is not an easy task.

This parenting thing is a tough one though because there isn’t a clear-cut job description, and there aren’t defined boxes to check that let us know we’re doing a good job along the way.  It can feel kind of like a giant crapshoot as we walk out of the hospital holding a baby we feel like we’re stealing and hope for dear life that we don’t wreck anything beyond repair. 

So basically, we try our best.  Only sometimes, maybe we try too hard?  Yes, you heard me.  Perhaps in this quest to do right by our kids we actually do too much to help them navigate the ins and outs of growing up. Now before anyone shakes their head and shouts, ‘inconceivable’ in Princess Bride fashion – let me explain. 

I came across an article a while back that talks about the idea of being an “over-attuned” parent. In short, it suggests that parents are working really hard to create a super encouraging, problem-free, ‘perfect’ environment for their kids.  They steer their kids around disappointment, loss, and a host of other unpleasant experiences, but instead of helping them it’s turning them into fearful, anxious, depressed, and unhappy adults.  This mission to do right by our kids, and to help them live happy lives morphs into a plan that looks more like clearing every obstacle out of the way and camping out as a 24 hour cheering squad.  And while this might help them avoid discomfort in the short term, in the long term being over-attuned can actually set kids up to struggle in significant ways.

Parents, in an effort to give their kids the best, can run themselves ragged saying, ‘yes’ to every opportunity so that they can do right by their kids and not deprive them of a single chance at something great.  Only by accommodating every desire of a developing child, you rob them of some very important life skills:

1.     Kids don’t get firsthand experience with disappointment, or have the chance to develop resilience.   

Part of managing disappointment is learning to manage it. It’s been said that developing resilience, or the ability to bounce back after adversity, is like developing immunity: you need to be exposed to the virus in order to build antibodies.  Allowing kids to be disappointed in the small things now helps build the resilience muscle so they can tolerate heavier disappointments later.

2.    Over-attuned parenting can result in kids developing poor problem solving skills, difficulty making decisions, and difficulty in owning emotions.

Intrusive caring inhibits a child from having the chance to make sense of their own environment. When every problem is solved for them, they don’t learn how to find creative solutions, or choose what is best for them without turning to others for advice.  While it may feel loving as a parent to intervene to repair a child’s broken friendship, doing so means a child loses the ability to employ his or her own techniques for repair, as well as the opportunity to choose if the friendship was worth fixing at all.  Kids need to have space to determine what, if anything, is the problem – and if mom or dad jump in prematurely it says that something is wrong and needs to be fixed, even when the child didn’t think anything was broken.  It sends a subtle message that, what you were feeling wasn’t accurate, and kids learn to look instead to see how others react in order to assess how they should feel.

3.     Over-attuning to kids can leave kids feeling really special, without an accurate grasp on their limitations. 

When kids get into the grown up world and hit the speed bumps that they’ve been driven around in carpool for years, it can be a rude awakening that they too, have to face the bumps and bruises of life.   Realizing that they might not achieve every goal they had for their future, after a childhood of everything working out just right, can leave kids disillusioned and feeling like failures rather than like regular people who can’t possibly be awesome at everything. 

It wouldn’t be fair to address over-attuning without mentioning some motivation behind it for parents, because the whole crafting a pain –and-problem-free-existence-for-the-kids kind of living sounds like a lot of work, no?  So why does it happen? 

·      In part because seeing our kids sad, anxious, unhappy, disappointed, etc. is crazy uncomfortable for lots of us.  Their uncomfortable feelings trigger our uncomfortable feelings, so we manicure their lives to help get rid of our own uneasiness.  Seeing people we love feel hurt is not easy, and it can stir up a sense that we’re failing somebody.
   

  Parents over-attune because other people are watching, and we fear the judgment from those in the parenting arena with us.  There are some harsh critics out there and the comparison game among parents is thriving.  Unfortunately kids have become pawns that indicate whether we’re up with the winners or hanging at the back of the pack. We want to be seen a certain way by those around us, and let the success or failure of our children serve as evidence of our success or failure as parents. 

So what to do?

·      Imagine for a moment what it might be like to listen to your teenager tell you how devastating it was to sit on the bench the whole game, without sending an email to the coach complaining for him.

·      Imagine rushing out the door to drop your pre-schooler at daycare in the morning, barely out in time, without driving back to get the special teddy she forgot by the door and being late for work.

·      Imagine saying ‘no’ to your child when they ask to join another extra-curricular activity because maybe money is tight, or family time is important, even if everyone else is doing it because it doesn’t work for you. 

Are you uncomfortable yet? 

I kind of hope so.  Because it’s not really fair to invite your child into disappointing, difficult, or anxious spaces if you’re not willing to lead the way.  Taking time to step back and give your kid space to feel both the ups and downs of life is not easy for anyone involved.  It’s hard as a parent to watch them squirm when you’ve got the ticket to make it stop, and no doubt it’ll be tempting to give in when the protesting (or questionable glances from other parents) begins.  Keep thinking of their clenched fists, pouty lips, and empty threats like the shrieks you hear at the doctor’s office at vaccination time, temporary protesting that’s working for their long-term good. 

**One of the great pleasures of my life is that I get to work with some of the favourite people in my life…I work with creative, awesome colleagues who I am also thrilled to know as friends.  The above blog was written by Sabrina Friesen.  She delivered a fabulous workshop on the above topic and I asked her to summarize her workshop to allow a wider audience the privilege of her wisdom. Thanx, Sabrina!!