I’ve been reading Chris Hadfield’s book, An Astronaut’s Guide to Life on Earth, the last coupla weeks…love his common sense wisdom, his perseverance, and heck, the whole thing about the inside peek into the life of an astronaut is fascinating for this closet science geek. One theme that comes through loud and clear throughout the book is the importance of practice, preparation, and planning what to do in emergencies…over and over and over again he says it in dozens of ways.
Having safety procedures down cold might save my life someday, and would definitely help me avoid making dumb mistakes that actually increased the risks. No matter how bad a situation is, you can always make it worse.
…Preparation is not only about managing external risks, but about limiting the likelihood that you’ll unwittingly add to them. When you’re the author of your own fate, you don’t want to write a tragedy…
When the stakes are high, preparation is everything… Whatever happens, it’s going to happen fast, and your survival will to a large extent depend on your competence…you don’t even have a few seconds to wrack your brain–you need that information right now, front of mind, in order to make a good decision.
…The sims (simulations) are all about prioritizing risks, understanding how they interrelate and deciding which ones must be dealt with immediately–all of which you need to figure out well before you get to space, where hesitation could be fatal.
…Anticipating problems and figuring out how to solve them is actually the opposite of worrying: it’s productive. Likewise, coming up with a plan of action isn’t a waste of time if it gives you peace of mind. While it’s true that you may wind up being ready for something that never happens, if the stakes are at all high, it’s worth it….
My optimism and confidence come not from feeling I’m luckier than other mortals, and they sure don’t come from visualizing victory. They’re the result of a lifetime spent visualizing defeat and figuring out how to prevent it. Like most astronauts, I’m pretty sure that I can deal with what life throws at me because I’ve thought about what to do if things go wring, as well as right. That’s the power of negative thinking.
(excerpts from Chapter 3 The Power of Negative Thinking, An Astronaut’s Guide to Life on Earth, by Chris Hadfield)
It struck me that his preparation to go out into space is a lot like couples planning a life together. Just as it would be easy for the astronaut to focus on lift off day, it’s tempting for a couple to focus on the big wedding…who doesn’t love thinking about the dress, the flowers, the ring, the dinner menu, and the honeymoon trip?! But the wedding is just the launch to a lifetime together…where likely many things will go right–date nights, new furniture, regular pay checks, and often a healthy baby. And also very likely, little things will go wrong…misunderstandings, burnt dinners, showing up late–and also big things…a job layoff with financial stress, credit card debt, death of a parent, major illness, incredible relationship tension.
No one would get married if they anticipated divorce. Obviously.
But difficult periods happen in all relationships, with some couples able to navigate those difficulties successfully…sometimes making them strong than they were before. However, statistics tell us that many couples end up with untenable tensions in their relationship where they feel that continuing to be married is impossible…
What if we could plan for what to do when (not if) difficulties arise?…kinda like astronauts?
What if we could anticipate where the stress points in the relationship are ahead of time and strengthen those areas to reduce the likelihood of relationship fracture at those points in the future?
We can. Premarital preparation is significantly helpful in anticipating, and planning for the rough spots that occur in every relationship:
- Read relationships books together…I recommend going to books authored by Dr. John Gottman, Dr. Harriet Lerner, and Dr. Susan Johnson…all write practically with solid science behind the relationship strategies they discuss.
- Underline sentences that stand out to you in different coloured highlighters, and talk about them.
- Watch videos online, for example, ones by Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Susan Johnson.
- And pop some popcorn, and pour a glass, so that you can talk about them after you watch them. What did you especially like? What do you disagree with? What connects “home” with your relationship?
- Ask your parents, aunts, uncles and friends what they have learned about relationships successes and failures.
- Gain from the wisdom of those that have gone before you. Find out what they know to be important, and what they wish they had done differently. Find out any generational patterns that can rear its ugly head in marriages in your family.
- Consider our Premarital Counselling Package.
We use the PREPARE tool in our 5 session package:
I get that it’s not cheap, and during the months of planning a wedding, it can just seem like One. More. Expense.
And it might seem expendable…I think it’s priceless.
And if the couple is agreeable, it makes for a great wedding gift! We can send a gift certificate to the engaged couple confirming that you have arranged for them to do the package with us.
Let us know if you want in!
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