This quote struck me hard.
I’m not a guy…that’s not rocket science.
But I do work with guys. A lot.
And I get to see the tender, soft parts of guys more than most women. Some women might not even know there are tender, soft parts to some of their men…but there are.
Oh. Yes. There are.
And the soft and tender parts are rarely exposed…for one big reason.
Men don’t want to be seen as weak.
And the soft, caring, hurting spots, aren’t weak.
Not at all.
But when they are exposed, it feels raw…and vulnerable. And when those deep, rarely seen, tender spots are exposed…it requires deep trust and it’s a matter of the heart. And matters of the heart…well, they can bring a tear…or two…or more.
And men have been taught in a thousand ways since young…to not be weak…not cry…not feel…not be vulnerable.
Which doesn’t bode well for intimate relationships…which flourish with tender, soft moments shared in quiet intimacy.
Watch this quirky video–only one minute and thirteen seconds, for a grin–and a powerful lesson:
Gottman is talking about how to unite the “relationship” and “sex” sections of the bookstore…which I get, given that I often spend my days facilitating couples figuring out how to unite the “relationship” and “sex” sections of their marriage!
What Gottman doesn’t say in this clip, but what I know so very clearly, is the vulnerability and courage (yes, incredible, enormously-whoppingly-huge sized courage) it takes for a guy to, after he has tenderly held a woman’s face…when he goes around and sees the quills still standing up–to dare to risk to come back round to her face and look and hold her tenderly again.
Women…when men see quills after tenderly holding you–with a hug, a look, a touch, a gentle word–when men still see the quills up after they showed your their soft side–they, well…they can hardly bear to look at you.
Men can attest that it’s very hard to find the courage and strength to resume tenderness after seeing quills stand tall on their partner. Men assume that they are powerless to comfort or come close when the quills don’t come down immediately.
And, let’s face it, when a woman is upset, it doesn’t come automatically to be immediately soothed right away, every time. Not gonna happen, eh?
So…it’s not surprising that a man can’t immediately comfort and create closeness with a partner who is upset…but when she isn’t immediately calmed…he feels like he failed…he messed up…he doesn’t have what it takes. And he doesn’t want to come around to be gentle with her again…he wants to pull away so he doesn’t have to be vulnerable again.
Some women have reasons their quills don’t come down right away in the relationship…not just to be available for sexual intimacy, but for any kind of closeness.
Some of those reasons may have nothing to do with her partner…fatigue, frustration with the kids/job/girlfriend/car/or whatever. How is he supposed to know…it’s hard not to take it personally when a partner gives a “prickly” response to your bids to draw close.
Sometimes, it does have to do with the dance of the relationship…he pulls away when she is prickly…she starts becoming prickly in anticipation of him pulling away…so he does…and so it continues in a “prickliness/pull away” pattern that gets the couple more distant and more prickly with time.
And…just to confuse things…get this: Some women’s quills actually stand up more and appear more fierce when her partner takes the time to understand her and be empathic…to actually have your frustrations heard feels soooo good that she has a chance to “let it all out”…which can be confusing to a guy who can’t understand why she is “getting more upset” when he draws close…and feels like he is failing…when he is actually creating a safe environment for her to let him in close on that which is troubling.
Guys…if your partner shows you this article, it’s an invitation to stay soft and vulnerable with her when she’s got her quills up.
She’s trying to tell you that she knows that sometimes she doesn’t let you in right away…and she’s gonna work on that…but in the meantime…keep holding her face, keep speaking softly…keep giving her reasons to lower her prickly level…she longs to be close to you, and she loves it when you come close and stay close. Stick with it…stay soft, stay vulnerable, stay tender (focus on her soft parts, not the quills) and wait for her to calm and sooth…she wants you to calm her and give her solid, tender reason to lower her quills…for her to know that she is safe with you.
That’s not weak, that takes courage…to make her safe with you.
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