The Truth about Guys

I’ve been reading The Power of Why by Amanda Lang lately…an interesting, creative book laced with interesting stories that encourage curiosity, risk taking, adventure and even mistakes as ways of developing the human spirit and furthering human development.

One of the stories this book follows is Canadian Tire’s year long exploration to find out why they were losing market share with men…focus groups, digging into male behaviors in animals, workshops, surveys and the like.  Five key insights emerged that would shape advertising for Canadian Tire.  “The Coles Notes of it is that…” (p. 49)

Canadian Tire discovered that “a man’s romantic relationship is hugely significant to his sense of well-being” (p. 49).  They learned that some of their ads, which portrayed men as clueless airheads that have senseless arguments with their much smarter wives were offensive to men who truly value their families.  When they changed their advertising to have men resonate with messages that had them feel good about themselves as they reinforced connection with their families, and having fun with those they love…men responded.

This reminds me of a section in the book, Daring Greatly. I have read this section or sent it to numerous clients, friends, and several groups I’ve had the privilege to speak to. This section never fails to create a hush in the room. The section is preceded by a woman complaining within a group about how difficult it is to be comfortable sexually with a man when she is self-conscious about her body, concerned that he will judge her.

The young man…slammed his hand down on his desk and shouted, “It’s not about the back fat!  You’re worried about it.  We’re not.  We don’t give a sh*t!” The class fell completely quiet. He took a couple of deep breaths and said, “Stop making up all of this stuff about what we’re thinking.  What we’re really thinking is, ‘Do you love me? Do you care about me? Do you want me? Am I important to you? Am I good enough?’ That’s what we’re thinking.  When it comes to sex, it feels like our life is on the line, and you’re worried about that crap?”

Brene Brown

Daring Greatly, p. 102

When I read this, there is always a silence for longer than what would be typical in a conversation. The reaction from women is:

• Are you really sure that’s what guys are thinking?
• Oh…oh my…oh dear.  Well, that changes things then, doesn’t it?

There is wide scale skepticism from women that they are not being judged on their bodies, and that the focus of men is on how connected and loved they are. They can’t quite believe that at the core of a man is a vulnerable soul that longs to deeply connect. Alternatively, there can be a “light bulb moment” where there is an almost audible shift occurring in the woment’s brains as they take in this information and realize the implications of discovering that he is feeling just as vulnerable as she is during those intricate moments of relationship dance prior to sexual intimacy.

Men only have one reaction, when I read or show this to them:

The men let me know that this young man has put something into words that is profoundly true that they have never quite been able to figure out how to put so clearly into words.

Sometimes the men stay quiet for a while, revelling in being deeply understood.  Sometimes they cry a little. Sometimes they nod quietly…in almost a holy way…because this paragraph “gets” them and puts language to something that they feel deeply but have never been able to quite articulate.

And sometimes, they sob with relief at something finally understanding them.

It’s time to drop the crude stereotypes and see men for who they really are.