The balance bar

Permeable and porous…not wide open, nor shut tight.

Sigh…

…so not easy.

I wrote recently of the challenges and the richness of “both/and” living…embracing the joys and sorrows of life simultaneously. It’s easier to be “either/or”…a Pollyanna or an Eeyore…but being stuck in one posture leaves little flexilibility to be both joyful and authentic, to feel pain but not to have to “numb out”, to “be real” without falling apart.

Another area I encourage clients (and challenge myself) to be “both/and livers” is in the area of relationships.

This came up in Brene Brown’s, Daring Greatly (p. 169):

When we stop caring about what people think, we lose our capacity for connection. When we become defined by waht people think, we lose our willingness to be vulnerable. If we dismiss all the criticism, we lose out on important feedback, but if we subject ourselves to the hatefuness, our spirits get crushed.

We all struggle with falling to one side or the other…to being too open to whatever another says as something that defines us or too closed that we disregard valuable input and feedback. We hide and cover up and pull away, or feel attacked and are metaphorically feeling like we are left on the floor gutted and bleeding.

There are some relationships where I swing towards allowing myself to be defined by their words. This happens when their words are cutting and biting…and the folks matter. This happens when I am desperate to be liked by the other. This is more likely when I’m tired or worn out from a long week, and am less grounded in a healthy place.

There are other relationships where I might swing towards not caring what another might think. This happens after years of hearing criticism, and I disregard to protect myself. This happens when I have decided it doesn’t matter if I am liked by the other. This is more likely when I’m tired or worn out from a long week, and am less grounded in a healthy place.

(and yes, this is the same sentence as in the last paragraph…it’s true in both cases)

I liked Brown’s response for handling the need to be open to both valuing and limiting impact of other statements to us and about us:

It’s a tightrope, shame resilience is the balance bar, and the safety net below is the one or two people in our lives who can help us reality-check the criticism and cynicism.

I’m liken’ this…a lot.

I meet with a friend weekly for coffee on Thursday mornings…have for years. Sometimes one of us cancels for a class or a conference, but without making an appointment or arranging it, we just show up at the usual time the following week. We laugh, cry, ponder and “bounce things” off one another.

We ground each other.

We’ve been friends and held each other accountable during the worst times in our lives…we’ve talked about the hardest things that have been said to us, and contemplated difficult conversations with each other–either in advance, or in post-mortem.

She will say hard things to me…but gently. If someone has said something nasty to me, but there is some truth in it…she might hear me rant and rave…but with a wink and a smile, challenge me with the nugget in there that’s worth hearing.

I love to watch Grey’s Anatomy. An ongoing theme is two friends, Christian and Meredith…who often proclaim, “You’re my person”..someone who will gives the other brutal honesty and unconditional support.

That’s the sort of relationship that can sustain us when sharp comments that hurt and spin, confuse and stab come our way…we need to figure out what to do with them, and having “a person” is vital.

Course, that means having a relationship with one or two people that is vulnerable and honest, brave and gentle, deep and longstanding with trust developed over time…not perfect, but able to resolve after a problem in ways that ultimately strengthen the relationship.

So…there you have it.

One important strategy to live in a “both/and” sort of way is to nurture and develop one or two close relationships that are built on depth, live in trust, and rooted in caring and love.