There are a multitude of reasons that folks–strangers and friends alike–don’t work to be warm with you…reasons why”
- she doesn’t greet you with a smile at the checkout
- a fellow customer bumps into you at the grocery store and keeps going without acknowledgement,
- he doesn’t ask you about how your day is going, or
- the kids don’t think to be grateful for the fresh made brownies
- an old friend barely nods his head as you pass by on the street
- she is ill with morning sickness
- he is waiting for a call back about yet another job and it’s been months since a paycheck and he’s on “pins and needles” waiting
- they have an ill child at the hospital and are taking a few hours away before they rush back to the bedside
- she did lousy on that test, and is preoccupied with what it says about her overall intelligence
- he tried to tell his wife this morning that he wanted a date with her and she blew him off and it hurt
- she didn’t make the soccer team
- she knows that they are talking about her weight again, and she’s preoccupied about the humiliation
I could go on…you get the picture.
In short, when people respond the way they do to you…(and I say this kindly and gently)
…it’s not all about you!
I know how on occasion, folks have commented about how “stuck up” someone is, or how unfriendly, or how hard they are to get to know…and because I’m a therapist, and a friend that others just tend to confide in, I know that there is more to the story.
And that changes things when I know there is more than meets the eye. I won’t acknowledge it to the other person…but I take note that I might see the same behavior differently if I’ve had a “heart to heart” conversation with that person.
And I put that experience in my back pocket and remember it…
…when I’m inclined to be offended or wonder why another isn’t terribly friendly.
and it changes me…I’m more inclined to smile warmly and compassionately to someone first, and then not be offended that it isn’t reciprocated.
…cuz it’s not all about me!
If I don’t get a cheerful response, there could be a whole host of valid reasons that would have the compassion well up inside of me…and I choose to go on the assumption that it’s quite likely there is a valid reason for a cool response…and show compassion anyway.
Now…I’m kinda a shy person, and so I don’t bat a thousand on this, but I do know that my blood pressure doesn’t go up:
- when someone is a little rude to me…because I work to remember the times I may have been short with someone because of the stressors I had that day,
- when someone doesn’t return a call…because I remember that sometimes there was just more things to do in the day than there were hours in the day, and all my best efforts didn’t allow for everything to get done
- when a salesperson isn’t all that helpful…who knows what went on for them earlier that day that would shape their response in that way.
I don’t have to take it personally…
and I may be able to shift their experience of the day with a smile, a kind word, a gentle response, or some unspoken understanding…
and the cool thing is…then my experience of the day is shifted in delightful ways too!
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