The second of the series featuring unlikely and surprising but important principles for living well…we’ll start with a story…
Not so long ago, one of my junior tribe members asked to go outside in dark late at night with a friend (who didn’t have his license) and practice parallel parking on the street with our car…using the spaces between other cars to practice…to get ready for his driver’s license exam…because he didn’t yet have a driver’s license.
Which means he wanted to break the law, using the neighbor’s bumpers for parking practice.
I don’t think so.
Nope.
However, because he is the junior tribe member of a therapist, and he’s smart, he brought out the big guns.
So…he suggested that by me not letting him go out on his own, he said “Keeping me inside is bubble wrapping my soul”, (said dramatically in a plaintive, wistful, clearly deprived and very sheltered-like voice) and restraining him from being all he could be.
Yep…he actually used the word “bubble wrap” on me.
He really wanted to go out there, and thought he’d throw whatever psycho-babble he’s heard in the background all these years against me that could be helpful in his case. It was cute…but even he couldn’t pull it off with a straight face…and so I gave him points for effort, but I declined.
In fact, I realized I coulda hauled myself out there to help him practice…to make it legal, but I told him “Nope” this time…a flat out no. He was disappointed…but I made a conscious and deliberate choice to let him know that my day that day had been extra long and I didn’t have it in me, and he wouldn’t be able to practice parking that night, even though he really, really wanted to.
My choice to help him sit in his disappointment was part of deliberately not bubble wrapping him. Cuz while I don’t go out to make JTM’s life miserable, I don’t especially want to shield them from the realities of life either…because part of my job as a parent is to help them learn to tolerate and muddle on through the inevitable disappointments in life…today–not being able to park, tomorrow–not getting the job, or being dumped by that special one.
Elizabeth Svoboda, Psychology Today writer, says, in part:
…regularly stepping in to protect maturing kids from stress—or assuming they need you at all times in order to feel secure—may hurt them in the long run…age-inappropriate overparenting leads to depression-prone, aimless kids (and ultimately, adults) with “diminished self-efficacy,…By not letting kids stumble over the little things, parents prevent them from developing coping skills,” Marano agrees. Without them, kids don’t acquire a sense of mastery and self-confidence, she says. And that fosters long-term dependence on parents.
If kids struggle over a little adversity, they learn specific coping skills and gain the confidence that they can take whatever comes their way,” Marano says.
So let kids live with disappointment and resolve their own problems as much as possible, while assuring them that their feelings are heard (even if you’re the one saying “no”) and that you’re available for moral support. Trust in their ability to tackle whatever obstacles they might encounter. “Our job as parents is to help kids become self-sufficient,” Givertz says. Letting them grapple with disappointment is some of the best training they can get for dealing with the larger challenges life will inevitably throw their way.
It reminds me of part of the Parenting Manifesto that Brené Brown recently posted on her blog, as part of raising resilient children …she says: Together we will cry and face fear and grief. I will want to take away your pain, but instead I will sit with you and teach you how to feel it.
I printed this off and have it posted on my fridge…glancing at it regularly as I putter about.
Yesterday, as I was writing this, I came upon this acerbic bit of writing by Nicola Kraus suggesting that when we hover too much over our children, we do so for our own internal reasons, and by not overparenting, parents have opportunity to better preserve their own mental health…which is healthy for everybody.
For many of us, overparenting is part of a zealousness to give our children every opportunity…what we have to realize is that doing so takes away important opportunities to develop critical life skills. It’s not easy to back off…but I care enough about my junior tribe members that I’m working really hard at it. I’m pretty lousy at it…but I’m not gonna give up.
Write a Comment