Got an email from a dear friend, Nellie * yesterday…and she told me of how she had spoken with her son that day. No big deal for many moms…but for this mama, it was a once in lifetime experience….literally.
Nellie received an email from her son who she has not seen in 36 years…she released him as an infant, knowing she was in a place she could not provide the care he would need. She loved him enough to give him to a set of parents who could also love him, and additionally, be able to have the inner resources and practical resources to parent him with the stability and security she knew every child needed.
I’ve heard Nellie talk about him over the years, once in a while, wondering how he was doing, wanting to connect with him, but hesitant. It hurts, big time, to surrender a child, and to “go there” in any way threatens to rip open fragile wounds that have only a surface healing. She found a way to move forward and to live her life years ago, and part of the way of doing that was not letting herself think too much about him.
How else could a mama survive?
She received an email from him 10 days ago…after an initial contact years ago, he pulled back and had been silent. That was hard for her, but accepted in the matter-of-fact style she has had to develop in a life that has had many huge and painful events, it was “just one more” hurt that she chose to accept and not get to upset over…because getting too upset means that the bottle becomes too tempting, and she has long ago memorized the Serenity Prayer as a lifestyle:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
He sent her a couple of photos in the email, which she showed me. No doubt about it–he has her eyes, her cheeks, her smile.
Life hasn’t always been easy for him…he’s had his ups and downs, but his family loves him, and he’s working at being a healthier person…and his family had reminded him that he had started with something with her that he needed to finish.
He was scared too…he gave her every opportunity to not respond…giving her permission to be hurt or angry for him not following up with more connection, and letting her know he’d understand if she didn’t call.
She wept as she read his email. Cried and cried.
The bottled up tears that had been pushed to the side to survive let loose.
She sent him a responding email immediately, thanking him for sending it.
It took a week of sitting on it…old habits die hard when you need to protect your heart from hurt—drum roll please…then she phoned him. [Insert applause here] She saw the courage it took for him to take the step to contact her now, and she wanted to acknowledge it and take her own step of courage in making the first phone call.
She took a deep breath and dialed. That wasn’t easy, but in our last conversation, we spoke about how our children are always kids to us, no matter their age, and it was a mama’s role to be brave and move things forward in a way that is sensitive to the child.
She heard him talk…sounds like her brother she thinks. She heard him laugh…and it was music to her ears. They think they might go for coffee.
Makes my eyes tear up when I think that this is happening for her. We talked about it last time we went for brunch…she and I…we go to Sal’s for sausage and eggs once in a while…doesn’t every Winnipegger need a Sal’s fix every once in a while? The one we talked about, dreamed about, brainstormed out loud about how to move forward on this…he’s connected with her…it’s really happening…no more dreaming cuz the day she dreamed about but never knew might happen…it’s happening!
It’s been thirty six years since she has heard her son…last time he was babbling…now he’s a grown man who is a “great guy”…she brags about him to me like any mama does about her own.
It was a “in your face” reminder to me to be vocal to the ones who matter to me that I appreciate them.
The story isn’t done…Nellie and her son will get to know each other. They have each, for a long time now, figured out a life where the other isn’t in it…so it’s an inner renegotiation to figure out how to live a life with the other a part of it. It’s do-able…but moving forward in a way that is respectful to the parents who raised him, honors his need for space, allows him to work through any loss he feels, her figuring out how to relate to one who seems so terribly similar in some ways and yet so very much a stranger in so many ways…well, it’s complex and complicated…it may not be a fairy tale “happily ever after” story. They will work at it, and I know it will be a unique and incredible “Nellie and Brian” story.
Today, though…today I celebrate with her as she speaks to one who has been in her heart always, but now is also in her life.
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