I remember being very moved by The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch, years ago when he gave it, and bought and devoured the same titled book when it came out a short time later. Randy Pausch, a man dying of pancreatic cancer, chose to spend his last months finding ways to be a good dad in the future…so he used the tool of “The Last Lecture” to give his kids memories of him, and his insights. Some things that I’ve been thinking about twigged me to go back to it recently, and this quote was one that really caught me:
My daughter is just 18 months, so I can’t tell her this now, but when she’s old enough, I want Chloe to know something a female colleague once told me, which is good advice for young ladies everywhere. In fact, pound for pound, it’s the best advice I’ve ever heard.
My colleague told me: “It took a long time, but I’ve finally figured it out. When it comes to men who are romantically interested in you, it’s really simple. Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do.
That’s it. So here it is, for Chloe.(page 146)
So, this quote got me to thinkin’…particularly in light of some conversations I have had with folks lately. While this quote is directed to his daughter to make positive relationship choices…I’m thinking this quote could be gender inclusive and both men and women are wise to think… “When it comes to another who is romantically interested in you…ignore everything she/he says and only pay attention to what they do”.
While that line makes a lot of sense…here’s the rub. I work with a lot of couples where one loves the other deeply, but it’s really hard to tell by their behavior. In fact, a wife can be very surprised that her husband doesn’t know how much she loves and cares. And then he’s surprised that she’s surprised…because it seems so obvious to him that he is just judged and criticized and a focus of anger. How could she possibly love him, given his experience of her.
Let’s call him Joe. Let’s call her Jane.
What happens is this…Joe gets hung up in traffic on the way home, and doesn’t call (it’s illegal to do so, right?). Jane worries about Joe, and wonders why Joe is so disrespectful of her and the special supper she has prepared to surprise him. As Jane waits in the long silence, she begins stewing, wondering why he doesn’t treasure her by coming home as soon as he can after work. When he comes in the door, Jane is rather “worked up” with hoping Joe is OK (“I’m worried…was he in a traffic accident?) and fear (“if he’s this late, I must not really be that important to him. Does he really love me like he used to…when he came home on time or even early?”) and so she lets loose with a tirade about how he’s so unreliable and inconsistent and rude. Joe doesn’t understand “what her problem is”, so he stomps off into the bedroom, his blood pressure still high from battling traffic, the stress of it still having him wound up.
Joe feels judged unfairly and it stings…so he “cuts a wide swath” around Jane all evening…which, as you can imagine, further has Jane wondering, “Why is he avoiding me? I prepared this special dinner and he’s ruining it…maybe he doesn’t notice it, doesn’t care about it…maybe doesn’t care about me?” And Jane is hurt and wondering/worried…and so can’t find it in her to walk across the room and snuggle with him after the silent supper…she goes back and retreats to cleaning in the kitchen (banging pots and pans loud enough to see if Joe’ll notice that she’s there, and hoping he’ll get the signal to come in and help her to show her that she matters…it would feel so good if Joe would join her in the kitchen…but she can’t bring herself to tell him so). Joe hears the way the cupboard doors are slamming, and how the pot got put into the sink harder than necessary, and feels like he has a pretty good idea what would happen to him if he showed up there…so he stays really far away.
After fussing about in the kitchen for a while, Jane goes to the bedroom to read a book…away from him…too hurt at how he left the whole mess in the kitchen for her. And Jane hopes…maybe he’ll come into the bedroom and snuggle with her. Joe knows she “needs her space”—after all, Jane could have come and joined him on the couch and she didn’t want to–and so stays watching Monday Night Football (who wants to get barked at again?).
Joe wonders why he isn’t loved by her…why Jane keeps her distance, why he can’t do anything right, when it doesn’t even feel like he’s done anything wrong.
Jane doesn’t know why he doesn’t care, why he doesn’t invest in making her feel special like he used to. What does he “do” to show her he loves her? She wonders.
OK…so this looks really obvious, when it’s written in a silly little blog. Trust me..this is only slightly simplified, and is something that happens in marriages all across the country every day. Doesn’t feel so “obvious” or “silly” then…just feels like it hurts. The genuine love that one feels towards the other is contaminated by worry and concern and fear that has one hold back from the other, or lash out in anger…the anger is about wanting to be loved and feel loved in a meaningful way…and when that doesn’t happen, there is a) withdraw or b) attack. Neither of these looks like loving behavior, and so when the other pays attentions to what the other “does”, it seems pretty clear that the one doesn’t love the other.
Let me add to the quote to make it more complete:
My daughter is just 18 months, so I can’t tell her this now, but when she’s old enough, I want Chloe to know something a female colleague once told me, which is good advice for young ladies everywhere. In fact, pound for pound, it’s the best advice I’ve ever heard.
My colleague told me: “It took a long time, but I’ve finally figured it out. When it comes to men who are romantically interested in you, it’s really simple. Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do.”
That’s it. So here it is, for Chloe.
And as I think about it, some day it could come in pretty useful for Dylan and Logan, too.
The bold is what gets me…the challenge. He is challenging his kids to “do” the love/romance so they will be walking the talk. He knows that regardless of what you say, it’s what you “do” that sticks. It’s hard to “walk the talk” in love…to “do” love, and not “do” fear or anxiety, or “do” anger as a reaction to the fear.
Do your loved ones know you love them by what you “do” around them? If I asked your spouse if s/he could tell you love him/her by your actions, what would they say? What would you want him/her to say? What shifts would you like to make to ensure that your spouse has no doubt they s/he is loved by you?
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