I have always loved the idea of following a marked trail…the challenge of needing to find the next marker is “do-able”, and leads one on an unknown path…it may be marked telling you where to go, but you only find out where you are going one marker at a time, bit by bit. I’ve done some beautiful hikes this summer this way. I quite like the beauty of the hikes and the marked trails…I get to enjoy the beauty, and when I come to the next sign, I get told where to go…a good thing for a city slicker-type like me whose sense of direction is limited.
Sometimes therapy can be a little like a marked trail. I go on an internal hike into the life of a client and the client and I don’t know where we’ll end up, but we have the adventure of following one marker to the next…and end up in some pretty neat places that create some significant opportunities for growth. As a therapist who does this with clients frequently, I tend to go on these internal hikes on my own on occasion…in ways which are really helpful.
A few weeks ago, I went to a Josh Groban concert…it was a fabulous concert which I’m still remembering fondly. The stage was at one end of the oval of the MTS center…and our seats were not-quite-at-the-other-end of the arena on the side…which meant that when I sat back in my seat, the stage was to my very far right. The woman sitting to my immediate right was EXCITED to be there (let’s just say that Josh Groban fans are a whole other breed—I’m not quite sure I understand what makes a Grobanite as passionate as they are, but suffice to say, Josh Groban is very seriously admired). She was there with her two sisters who were sitting to her right (is this getting confusing? I’m not good with right and left, and this has taken me a while to figure out how to say this) who were equally passionate to soak in every precious moment with Josh Groban being in the same (albeit large) room as they.
Why do I tell you all about her zealousness? As a result of her desire to get the very best view she could, she leaned forward…leaving me being able to see only the back of her head when I looked at the stage. Now, I may not be a true Grobanite, but if I’m going to be fortunate enough to be at a concert, I’d like a view…I can look at the back of a person’s head and listen to a CD at home for a lot less hassle and the same effect.
Now, Melanie, my good friend, and the office manager at Bergen and Associates Counselling, was sitting to my left…which didn’t leave her with a lot to see either. She poked me to poke her to ask her to lean back. Pretty obvious, right? Except I didn’t want to poke the woman. I just didn’t want to. So I didn’t.
Fortunately, within a few minutes, Mr. Groban let me “off the hook” by coming to the center of the arena to sing a few songs and she sat back. Whew.
So…while he was sitting in the center, in the dark, listening to this beautiful music, I reflected on my strange hesitancy…this time of year I stand in front of 50 students regularly and talk to them for hours, I provide various workshops, I chair a committee I’m on…why would I be so hesitant to just ask a person to sit back in her chair? It was a question that had me curious…it would seem to take a lot more guts to do some of those things…so what was going on?
So, I followed the feeling to the next sign post. What would be my hesitation in tapping her on the shoulder? Hmmm….well, she might scowl at me at me, and not be happy that I asked her to lean back. And I dreaded that possible reaction…and was willing to pay a price of not seeing anything to avoid that possibility.
On to the next part of the path…what would be so awful about her scowling that I dared to ask her that to lean back? And the internal response to the question? I was scared…I mean, not stark terror, but in a way I hadn’t thought about previously, I was fearful of her possible reaction…and so I dreaded her possible response, because of the fear I would have if she scowled.
Hmmm…so, then I had to go one step further…what would I be fearful of if she got nasty and judgemental if I asked her to lean back? And to my surprise, the answer was something like, “If she is nasty to you, it’s because you’ve been a naughty, presumptuous little kid, asking for something that only benefits you…That’s shameful and selfish to ask for something like that, and you deserve that look because that was mean.”
No wonder I didn’t want to tap her on the shoulder to ask her to lean back! Not if I was going to feel scolded from some deep part of me if she should not like my request. I was in a bit of a shame spiral…one that Dr. Brene Brown speaks of so eloquently in her videos and book, I Thought it Was Just Me (a book we have on our shelves that clients often like to read).
Of course, once I followed the signs back to their source, I could have a further little talk with myself. I could remind myself that a scathing look from her would say more about her than it did about me. I could tell myself that if she was nasty, it may have been because she had a bad day or bad month or bad year, and that she was just grumpy for reasons that didn’t have anything to do with me. I could tell myself that she may lack insight into my predicament, if she was less than pleasant. And I could tell myself that maybe she wouldn’t even react badly…it was just my assumption she would.
Well, wouldn’t you know it, at about that time, Mr. Groban gave me a chance to try it out…he moved back to the main stage…and my seat mate leaned waaaay forward to enjoy the concert with her sisters beside her. It took me a few minutes, but suddenly, my courage got the better of me—bolstered by my own little pep talk, I tapped her on the shoulder. She whipped around, and I briefly mimed and muttered a few words about what I was asking. She immediately apologized, and leaned back. Her back was stuck like glue to the chair for the rest of the concert.
It worked! None of what I was fearing, and assumed would happen, happened! She was really nice about it.
In fact, it had the opposite effect, I think. She didn’t look at me the rest of the concert, even though we had chatted intermittently while we waited for the concert to start. I kinda wonder if she felt guilty or ashamed for having leaned forward…even though that wasn’t at all my intent. What would she have found if she had gone on her own internal hike? I wasn’t judging her, or mad at her…but I think she might have been thinking I was…but I digress.
So that was on a Sunday…and I felt empowered. Vaguely foolish at how I had to have my own little mini-session of therapy in order to do something so simple and reasonable, but overall feeling like I had accomplished something big, and now I was a slightly more capable person than I was before.
Not. So. Much.
On Tuesday, a mere two days later, I was at the florist purchasing flowers for a friend. I asked for a bright friendly bunch of flowers…and saw the bright beautiful gerbera daisies which I adore…and hoped she would put one in the bunch. When she reached in the cooler, she grabbed a variety of beautiful blooms, but didn’t put the daisy in. I told myself to ask her, but I couldn’t. A minute later, I told myself it was probably still not too late to ask her, and I could still do it, but I didn’t.
I left with a beautiful bouquet of flowers, but sans the daisy I’d hoped for.
And I was mad at myself…as I walked out the store, I realized I’d done it to myself again. Fearing the florist-lady would judge me for doubting her superior flower judgement, and wither me with a look that said, “How dare you ask?!”…which would mean that I must be some horrible person that demonstrated no respect to someone who knew much more than I. Maybe she would give me a reason why she didn’t use a daisy, in such a manner that would have me feeling foolish for having even suggested it in the first place. All the way back to the office (and to Melanie once there, who suffers a blow by blow account of stuff like this), I kept telling myself, “You are a customer…you would be allowed, even encouraged, to tell her what you want…and she’d be happy to give you what you ask for. You can have a preference and speak. You could have asked her…it would have been ok to do so.”
However, being September, it was only a week or so later, and yet another occasion to purchase flowers for another therapist, and I could go back…and this time, I (secretly proudly) said, “I’d love a cheerful, bright bouquet…and I’d love if a gerbera daisy could be a part of it.” And, she said (not unexpectedly to one part of me, and shockingly to another part of me): “Of course”.
Now, there was not guarantee that the lady-next-to-me-at-the-concert or the florist were going to be nice about it. There are grumpy people in this world, and either one of them might have been less than positive. But I think I would have been OK with that…because by then, I’d followed the markers back, and was able to deal with that part of myself that all humans have that get shame-triggered, and understand how to be gently supportive with it in an effective way. Once I understand what’s going on inside of me, I’m less vulnerable to judgements by others in situations like this.
That little conversation I had with myself at the concert has come to mind, here and there, as I contemplate my actions…and I’ve since found myself freer to make more conscious decisions about asking for something reasonable.
Try it yourself…notice something with curiosity about something that you’ve done or said that feels like it’s out of character for who you feel yourself to truly be…and then gently ask yourself some questions to slowly follow the markers to the original source of “what’s really going on”.
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