Sitting in the Dark

Compassion is knowing your darkness well enough that you can sit in the dark with others.

Pema Chodron

An important part of healthy grieving is finding a way to sit in it, and having someone with you who will be able to compassionately be with you in your pain.

I thought faith would say, “I’ll take away the pain and discomfort”, but what it ended up saying is, “I’ll sit with you in it”. And I never thought until I found it, that it would be enough–but it’s perfect. You know, I don’t feel alone in it anymore.

Brene Brown

There’s something very hurtful to a person in the bottom of a pit, when someone who says they care, cheerfully and naively reaches down to pull the person out and drags them to a cheerful place. It can feel disrespectful and dismissive. It can deny the reality of the pain. It can suggest to the other person that what they are feeling is not acceptable. It can add the burden of guilt or shame on top of the grief and anguish.

There’s something very dignifying and honoring of a person in the bottom of a pit, when someone who says they care, notices and troubles enough to grab a ladder and climb down into the pit, and sits. It acknowledges the reality of the pain, legitimizes it, holds it, and empowers the person. After a while, when they are ready, they are able to move towards the ladder under their own steam.