Did a mistake? Am a mistake??

So…who likes to make mistakes…who likes to live with the consquences of their mistakes? Nobody. It’s lousy to make mistakes.

But some of us can be really hard on ourselves. I HATE making mistakes. Especially stupid, foolish, expensive ones that were completely unnecessary, and DUMB. (You get that I can be hard on myself with that last line, which I almost took out, but left in because it is what blurted out of me onto the screen–and it is something which most of us might try to hide, but it might be nice for a reader to realize “I’m not the only one”.)

Now…a lot of what I do in my life as part of being a family, as being a therapist or a university educator can’t neatly be quantified as “correct” or “mistake”—my life isn’t usually that clear.As a person who essentially communicates all day long, there can be “more effective” or “less effective” or “better” ways of doing things, but most of my life isn’t black and white about doing it right or wrong.So I work at being the most effective therapist/professor/mom I can be, and recognize that I fall short of optimal, but I’m not an accountant where a mistake is obvious when the numbers don’t balance, or a plumber who knows he’s blown it when water starts spurting out where it’s not supposed to.

I did blow it on Saturday–very clearly and obviously.And I was MAD at myself for making such dumb clearly unnecessary foolish easily-preventable mistake.

I backed into a PARKED car.

It. Wasn’t. Moving.

Sigh…sometime mistakes are so ridiculous, they defy
words.This was one of those times.For someone who despises making mistakes, this was one that was mucho frustrating.

And intimidating.The driver was nowhere around so after I took a few pictures, took a few deep breaths and cried, and then cried some more, I wrote a note of apology with my name and phone number.

And then began the anxious wait.

See…I may be a therapist, but I’m human too. And I have a particular discomfort for people getting mad at me, especially when I deserve it. The vehicle owner was going to have to call MPI, take their car in for inspection, then take it for repair.The driver had done nothing but park the car in a parking lot, and now would have extra hassle on a car that used to be fine looking and now wasn’t. I quite catastrophized at the anticipated fury of the other person when s/he called to ream me out for my silly unacceptable and pain-in-the-butt mistake.

I was on a landline answering a call when my cell rang.And then it beeped indicating a message.When I was done my call, I took a few deep breaths before I checked into voice mail.I braced myself, somewhat relieved I was legitimately unable to speak directly to the caller…this way I could listen to the rant I “knew” was coming without having to figure out how to coherently respond.

Then I heard the message…”Hello this is B….I got your note on my windshield this evening.Man, everybody has a bad day sometimes, and today was one of those days for you.You made my day when you left a note on my windshield letting me know what had happened and how to contact you.You could have driven away, but didn’t.Thanx for giving me your phone number.I’ll try calling you tomorrow, or you can call me at…”

I called him right back, and he repeated essentially the same supportive and kind message to me as we spoke.I, of course, again burst into tears.He became even more kind and more supportive. We exchanged some information, and he even chatted and joked about previous car accidents he was in.

It was only much later that I realized he was far kinder and gentler on me and my mistake than I was. He will be inconvenienced—but he was far gentler with me than I was on myself.

Reminds me of how often the clients I work with are harder on themselves about what they’ve done than the people around them. How quickly a person moves from not just feeling like, “I made a mistake” to “I am a mistake” in ways which have anger at oneself and frustration and sadness spiral up exponentially.There are some of us, when we make a certain kind of mistake that the line between the former and the latter gets very blurred, even disappearing.It’s lousy to feel like, “I am a mistake”. The challenge is to work to find ways to re-establish equilibrium to regain the solidness, believing with conviction:“That was a stupid mistake”.

So…its now several days after the fender bender…and though I’m still convinced it was a silly foolish mistake, one which I regret and will pay for in very tangible ways…I’m back “on center”…recognizing that I am not a mistake. Took some deep breaths, had a conversation with good friend, received a supportive hug from one of my tribe, and reminded myself of all the things I talk to clients about when they struggle through the same sorts of things.

One’s own medicine can be amazingly hard to swallow. 🙂