Family Time At Christmas

We are entering a time when families travel to spend time together with each other. Many will have vacations as business have a seasonal shut down, or time in between school terms. Teachers are off, and many others have requested vacation during this week when they were making holiday choices months ago.

This time is a chance to slow down, spend time with immediate family in the household that we often pass by in a rush on our way to lessons, workouts, meetings, and the bustle of daily activity. It’s a time when we get together for dinners and gatherings with in laws, parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and cousins that we might not otherwise see very often.

For many, these will be opportunities to reconnect:

to share old memories with laughter and tears,
to eat recipes that have time honored traditions attached to them,
to put together puzzles, go sledding, take pictures, tell stories and generally do the sort of stuff that creates new memories that will be recalled in years hence.
in sum, a treasured opportunity to spend time with the people that matter

For others, this increased time with family is not a “Hallmark moment”…but one that prickles and rubs, or haunts, or frustrates and infuriates, or has one working to “stay strong” in the face of the pain that is so present.These family times during this season, are “supposed” to be very happy and lovely, and so, many are putting on a brave front steeling themselves from the feelings that will be painfully present but silently unmentioned.

For some, this family time means:

spending time with people who have caused significant pain, and finding a way to paste a plastic smile and pretend to be enjoying the time together, when it really feels like “finger nails on a chalkboard”.Unresolved issues, remembering very hurtful times that have never been acknowledged or processed are pushed down with great energy, great personal cost, and limited success.There isn’t even an expectation to put them aside…rather it is more of a complete obliviousness of something that feels so huge to the pain-bearer.
having a bittersweet Christmas morning…trying to find a way to put aside the impending loss and having a sick feeling that this is the “last”.The last Christmas before the divorce…so trying to put on a “chipper” attitude, and with cheer that is more expressed than felt, going through the motions with a leaden heart.The last Christmas before the illness wins, and death takes over.The last Christmas before the big normal-inevitable-but-nevertheless-sad-life-changes occur with someone moving to the other side of the world or even across town, or a child gets married and is shared with another family.
the awkwardness and pain of a divided family. A grown child going home to small town Manitoba for Christmas…knowing that no matter where he sleeps, he disappoints the other parent…there is no way to make both of his divorced parents happy
the closeness of spending time on vacation with a spouse…what was hoped to be a special time of togetherness only serves to show the cracks in the relationship that have been untended and unnoticed in the frenzy of a full fall. Tension underlies each comment. Ouch.
One word: Drinking.Too many of these special family times have a lot of alcohol involved.People drink too much, and family members lose their inhibitions and say and do things which mar the evening, fracture relationship, and create painful memories of what happened over Christmas. Every year I hear stories in early January of painful family gatherings, and what was said after people drank too much. People do silly, hurtful and dangerous things when they’ve had too much to drink…and must live with the consequences for months after.
Busy-ness…young families with small children who need naps and routine are pressured to be in multiple places at once, to see parents and in laws, grandparents, and so on…rushing to make everyone happy and in the meantime, in a significant level of misery themselves.
The effort into making this Christmas a “jolly” one, even when something or someone important is missing, for whatever reason. It’s hard when a person knows how the season feels and rolls as it has always unfolded, but the sensation of the season is different because of distance from from home and familiarity, or a loved one not present. There are huge holes in the familiarity of the seasonal rituals, and the jagged edges of those gaping holes are felt, even when there is much surface merriment designed to conceal them.

These family times at Christmas have expectations of “wonderfulness”.These family times are filled with real people who burp, have bad moments, are overtired and need naps, have histories of painful relationships that can’t simply be dismissed for the convenience of a beautiful scene around a beautifully dressed turkey.

Family gatherings and family time at Christmas can create and magnify and point out painful problems that are hard to ignore, but we try to ignore the problems and put on a happy face.

This Christmas season, may you find ways of being real with yourself and others in ways which support yourself in your journey, and create authentic life giving moments to others that you encounter.As certain external behavior is required in order to cope with what the situation demands, may you find ways of supporting yourself internally, and being honest with what is really happening.

May you be able to watch your own alcohol intake and your own timelines and energy level, and be realistic to make good choices…and may you know when to “pull up the drawbridges” from situations that are best to withdraw from.

May you be given the words, grace and timing to bring up the elephant in the room of what is happening inside in a way that adds to the richness and genuineness of what Christmas is for you and yours.

May you release yourself from the pressure of creating a fantasy of “being family” that doesn’t, and can’t possibly, exist.