Meaningful conversation when under the influence of alcohol is not productive…in many cases, actually destructive.
That’s a no-brainer, right?
And yet, I’ve sat in many a session people attempt to work things out while sloshed:
- A wife will be angry about her husband’s flirting with another at a social, and on their arrival home, there will be a wicked argument about his behavior. He will claim to not know what she is talking about, and will accuse her of being paranoid. She will accuse him of being uncaring and sabotaging the relationship.
- A husband will be upset when his wife shows up at 4 am (without calling) after a night out with the girls, and he freaks out, having spent half the night worried about her safety. She is angry that he won’t let her have any fun.
- Friends at a bar, visiting, watching the game, enjoying the evening, having a few (and maybe another one or two after that), and when one person casually asks the other about the collecting the two hundred bucks that the other borrowed, it gets ugly. Fast.
We run an anger management program. Many of those that come are mandated to come because there is a charge involved. Odds are that drinking was involved.
Substances alter one’s ability to connect meaningfully to others. It depresses one’s judgement and ability to filter to speak appropriately. A person becomes defensive, their judgement is impaired, and their ability to balance rational thought with emotion is altered. It’s simply not a good idea to attempt to have a conversation of depth with someone who is under the influence of alcohol.
At some point, a partner can feel like their spouse is more loyal to drinking and the drinking lifestyle than to the marriage…and the alcohol starts to feel like “the other woman/man” in the relationship.
Alcohol has destroyed many a relationship.
If your partner puts a copy of this email on your pillow and you find this tonight, it’s because he’s worried that your relationship is under undue stress because of your drinking habits. If your partner calls you over to look at the screen right now to read this, it is not because she wants to blame you and shame you for the problems in the relationship in a belittling and demeaning way–it’s because there is a concern that the relationship is suffering because of your use of alcohol.
This will likely make you mad if you are asked to read this. No one likes to admit that drinking is getting in the way of the life they want to lead.
But I would invite you to dare to seriously consider their concern and to do some further investigation. Dismissing it without further thought could mean that you privately and unconsciously agree, and are scared to try to do anything about it. Rejecting the possibility and getting mad could be one way to avoid how awful you are already feeling about your behavior…which means you will continue to spend enormous amounts of energy pushing that ugliness away. Negating the concern without considering it, could be a sign that you dare not actually consider it for fear of the outcome–for fear of the changes that would mean, of the challenges and the battle ahead. (Yuck, huh?) Alcohol will help with pushing it away–a few drinks and you’ll forget about how angry your spouse is with you–and that will work–but only for a few hours.
Do some honest soul searching. Take an objective evaluation–and be honest with yourself. This website offers some really helpful information to you about your own drinking, the drinking of a loved one, and lots of general information about the effects of alcohol.
Which comes first–your relationship with alcohol or your relationship with your spouse? If you say “spouse” but your spouse is concerned about your alcohol use, and you only get mad when s/he brings it up, the real answer could well not be the one you’d like it to be.
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