“What is it about little things that make for big feelings?”
This question was asked by Stuart McLean on Vinyl Cafe during the annual “Arthur Awards” broadcast, where ordinary people do something kind and generous for someone…and it has a huge impact on people. For example, one person finds a suitcase by the side of the road and calls the number on the tag on the handle. When Stuart calls to find out what prompted them to do what they did, there is almost this universal “Aw, shucks” reaction where the recipient (who wins a book and a CD–hardly a windfall) states that it just seemed the kind and humane reaction…believing it likely that anyone in their situation would have done the same. I’m not so sure.
A friend of mine blogged about how the person ahead of her in the drive-through had paid for her Tim Horton’s–and how it changed her day, even her week…and how she found herself being a little more gracious and generous with those she met for days after. The woman at the check out window told her that this generous man drove through that Tim Horton’s everyday and always paid for the bill of the car behind. I suspect that he too, is changed by his deed, as he deliberately everyday does something good for someone when he cannot be thanked. He chooses to make an anonymous difference in someone’s life.
I do know how small kindnesses can be something that aren’t forgotten–because I have been on the receiving end of someone gracing with me with kindness. I suspect some of them would have no idea how I was blessed by their actions.
- I remember one day years ago, when I was tired and overwhelmed with life and went to Costco during the only open time I had for days to pick up a bike that was a birthday present for a junior person in my life. I had been “burning the candle at both ends” for some time, and was physically worn out. I went into the store with leaden feet, dreading the struggle I would have to figure out how to lift this bike and twist it just right to take it home in my car that would basically be too small to do the job, but would have to do it anyway. I bumped into a friend at Costco who saw me with the bike, and offered to toss it into his SUV for me, and drop it off. I wept with relief on the way home.
- During the same time, I remember going to Safeway because I had to pick up milk late in the evening. Same level of fatigue…the line at the express check out was very long, and I decided to gamble that I would be better off standing behind the one woman in the regular checkout–her cart was heaping but at least I could stand in one spot while I was waiting. She offered that I could go ahead of her in line. Wow. It probably saved me 10 minutes of time–in some ways no big deal–I could have waited those minutes and survived quite nicely. But at a time when I was feeling frazzled and frayed, she gave freely of a small kindness. Her generosity was something that meant a ton to me…and carried me through another day of a difficult time.
- Last fall, I had a dozen bags of leaves in the front yard needing to be taken to the “Leaf it with us” depot. My little car can only take a couple of bags at a time…so this meant loading it up any time I went anywhere…a pain. One day, I was working at my dining room table when a fellow with a pick up truck stopped and chucked the last 1/2 dozen into his truck…what was cool was there was already a dozen or more bags in his pickup…I was not the first one he had graced his generosity with that afternoon.
- I went for coffee with a friend from out of town today. She asked me how I was doing…really doing. And when I answered, she stuck with what I was saying, and dug deeper. And when I responded, she pursued finding out even more how I was doing. It’s been a long time since someone was so patient to really hear where I was at, at a level like that. She prompted me to say things to her that I haven’t realized I was thinking or feeling. She challenged me on a few things, and gave me a few good ideas. Life seems a little brighter this afternoon since we talked.
Little things can create big feelings. We need to remember that. The connection that is created between people, that reminds us of our humanity, that builds trust and confidence in goodness when so many little things can chip away at our ability to see the good in the world is so valuable.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve worked with couples, and after a few sessions, one will say that they notice that things are better between them. When I ask how that person can know and feel that the relationship is better, they will often recall little things that demonstrate greater good will, compassion and understanding that is felt from the other
- a hand on the small of the back as the move into a room of strangers
- a big breath, and a “I hear you” when a concern is raised, rather than a defensive response
- calling to let the other know of a delay, rather than just showing up a half hour late
- preparing fresh coffee in the morning and bringing a cup to the partner
None of these things are huge, but they are significant–often hugely significant. Often I’ll ask the one who has noticed these little changes to describe to the other the feelings that are experienced at that moment.
As one turns to their partner to explain how it felt, his/her eyes will fill with tears, and there is a need to stop and find their voices because of emotion, as they explain how big the feelings are when the little things are done that express caring, compassion and understanding.
Don’t underestimate the little things…you may never know of the big feelings that result.
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