Inner Conversations

When’s the last time you had a conversation with yourself?

The above question is not to ferret out psychosis or diagnose you with something spooky. It’s a candid question that I think is helpful for each of us to ask ourselves.

What I’m talking about is:

• When you find yourself feeling scared, to slow down, breathe deep, and dare to turn to face the scared part and ask it: “Let me hear what it is that you are anxious about. Help me understand the all the factors that are underneath your fear. Let me know where those fears come from. What would it take to be less fearful?” And after you listen (maybe even writing them down), you calmly decide what responses you need to make to speak to the scared part, or to act to take care of the legitimate concerns the fear raises.
• Do you find yourself annoyed constantly? What would it be like to have a conversation with the angry part and listen after you give it permission to talk? Like: “What’s happening? I noticed that you are ticked off a lot lately, and something is just not right. I’m listening to hear what the ‘burr under your saddle’ is. And I’m really wondering what would have to happen so that you could relax and let go of some of the anger.”

OK…so some of you might be thinkin’ I’m a little off my rocker. I’m not. As someone who is uber concerned about the connections in people’s lives, I’m not only working with people in helping them improve their relationships with others. I also consider an important part of my work to help people connect better with themselves, to understand what is going on inside of them, and to know what the different parts of them are feeling.

I’m not about tie dyed shirts and hippie music here. I’m talking about people having the courage (yes, this can take some genuine chutzpah) to be willing to be candid with oneself and hear what is going on. In my experience, when you don’t connect with those parts of you, they can essentially “hijack” you and take over in a way that isn’t really you…even though it is coming out of your mouth. I work with people all the time who say, “I yelled at my boss in a way that isn’t me.” or “I just shrunk back and let her talk to me like that, even though I know she shouldn’t be allowed to get away with it.”

It’s not easy to have conversations with yourself, because too often technology is everpresent. Even when doing housework or mowing the lawn or going for a walk–things that could only be done even 25 years ago by doing the task essentially silently–now have the radio on, or an iPod, or instant messaging. We can go a long time without being silent–without being alone with our own thoughts. And when there isn’t regular communication, the relationship erodes–that’s how relationships work, huh?

I work with people all the time on this stuff, but I can forget too. A couple of times this summer when I was off for a long walk by the river, I realized very shortly before that my iPod had been “borrowed without permission” and I was in silence for those 90 minutes. I could say “hi” to the odd passerby, hear the birds, hear the water occasionally flowing over a shoreline rock, but was essentially in silence. Almost each time of this period of involuntary silence, I realized that I had done some great thinking. The time was somewhat meditative, even though that wasn’t my particular aim. I found my thoughts going from this to that, and ended up realizing some things that were very helpful.

I was thinking about this when I came across a great and easy little article on silent retreats. Give it a look, and in a way that works specifically for you, take some time and listen to your inside.