The emotional health of your grandchildren may be one of the most underrated and most compelling reasons for premarital counselling.
I’m not making this up.
This will make sense in a minute or two. I promise. The second half of this video is important for the discussion:
So…how does what a child needs to feel secure relate to counselling before marriage?
Here’s the deal:
People who are securely attached to each other make great parents. When husband and wife love each other, become a safe and reliable place for a child to grow. One of the best ways parents can give their kids emotional health is to be good between the two of them.
Not conflict free type good.
Not two peas in a pod type good.
The type of good where there is:
- the ability to work through conflict,
- to stay connected to each other in the presence of conflict,
- to have a great friendship with each other,
- to be a safe place for the other to land when s/he stumbles.
Two real people living life, with warts and wonder; burps and beauty; chores, challenges, and cherishing.
Two real people who are good for each other create a home where a kid feels safe. Safe and anchored. Solid and secure. Loved and loving. A nest where nestling feels safe.
When a child grows up in an environment where mom and dad have significant conflict or aren’t together, it matters.It changes the vibe in the house.Children whose parents aren’t together at all are affected.Judith Wallerstein is a research that looked at the affect of divorce on kids.Initially she found that kids do quite well…when factors such as poverty are taken out of the equation, divorced parents don’t stop a kid from finishing school, going to university, getting a good job.But she wrote a book called The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, which went back to those children as adults and found they were profoundly affected in their ability to commit to adult relationships. In an interview, Wallerstein says:
They [kids of divorce] have a lot of trouble in believing that they can love somebody, or that somebody is going to love them, and that it’s going to be a relationship that’s going to last. And they’re very convinced that they’re going to go down the same path, and that their relationships are going to fail, and they say so very openly. One young woman says, “you can hope for love, but you can’t expect it.” Another: “Any relationship I’m in, I know I’m going to jinx; any relationship, any family I would be in would be a failure.”
Wallerstein encourages us to rethink divorce:
Because what we all believe now in America– and all of our resources have gone into this– that it’s the breakup that matters. And we tell parents– attorneys tell them, mental health people tell them– that if you can settle your problems between you with civility, if you can settle the financial affairs with some justice, and if the child will continue to have contact with both parents, the child is home free. That’s what we say, and that’s what we’ve been believing. And I have to confess, I’ve contributed to that, because my work has shown that it is an upset for the children at the time. But I didn’t expect that the greatest upset — I’m talking now about divorce as a cumulative experience– that the greatest impact would be in their 20s and in their 30s; that’s scary.
Now, I get that “staying together for the sake of the kids” when you’ve got your hands at each other’s throats wears thin, is stressful on everyone, and can even be dangerous.But do you see how, very unintentionally, you set your kids up to have problems in their adult intimate relationships should your marriage fail?Kids don’t do as well when their parents aren’t creating a stable base for them together–that’s the research.
We don’t like to face the fact that the facts are very clear that divorce is hard on children’s ability to commit in adult relationships, but dem’s da facts. And as they have difficulty in their relationships their ability to provide that stable base for their children is decreased. And the cycle continues in a downward fashion.
The cycle needs to be broken.
This is where premarriage counselling comes in.In a study done by Scott Stanley and his colleagues in Denver in 2006, 3300 couples were surveyed.Premarital education programs reduced the liklihood of divorce by 30%.That’s significant. Not perfect, but that’s a big deal.
See where I’m goin’ here? Premarital counselling can be one place to intervene in the cycle.If you’re engaged, counselling before you get married can help point out the dangerous trouble spots in your relationship, and help you develop some strategies for effectively dealing with those.You can develop a point of contact for a resource in the community—your therapist—who you can call when you hit a rough patch that doesn’t resolve. (And in marriage, as in sewing, “A stitch in time saves nine”).You commit to a way of creating and maintaining a stable loving relationship with your partner.
That stable loving relationship will be one of the greatest gifts you can give to your children. So a couple is married, in it for the long haul, committed to each other in life’s ups and downs—and stays together because they want to be together…and the children benefit from this stable base.
And it’s the gift that keeps on giving.
As your children grow up with a secure parental base, they will be primed to be able to commit to a loving partner and create a secure parental base for their children.And so you will be helping your grandchildren and their children when you seek out and implement ways to create a solid loving partnership with your fianc.
I’m not saying this to be self-serving.Yes, we have a premarital program, and I’d love it if you would give us a call and sign up.I think we have a great program that produces some great outcomes.
But I’d be thrilled if you
- go to your parish priest or your rabbi for instruction,
- sign out a series of videos from the library,
- read books…
- please…invest in your relationship—in the marriage, not just the day—the wedding.
As part of creating a culture that gives its kids the best possible opportunities, we have an ethical obligation to do what we can in our society to create as many happy, quality marriages as we can.
- Doctors, recommend premarital counselling to your patients.
- Wedding planners, suggest premarital counselling to your clients.
- Parents, give premarital counselling to your kids as a wedding present.
You get my drift. We all need to do our part to get couples to create wonderful marriages, not only for their benefit, but for the benefit of the next generation. What better place to start helping the next generation of children by creating solid foundation well before they are conceived? If we as a society can do what we can to make marriages the best they can be, our children will reap the benefits in powerful emotional ways.
And who doesn’t want that?
Write a Comment