To say I’m a little bit passionate about helping couples find ways of staying married in a vital, life-giving way is like saying the pope is a little bit Catholic. Although of course there are times when it makes sense to end a marriage, no one sets out to have their marriage fail. And yet so many do.
Almost 2/3’s of couples who divorce do so without ever having seen a marriage therapist. Wow…that’s a ton of people ending their marriages, dividing their assets, having legal hassles, committing their children to the “back and forth” of staying connected with both parents (if they are fortunate), or having children lose much or all contact with a parent.
What’s worse is that I’ve worked with some of the 1/3 who divorce after seeing a marriage therapist. What’s heartbreaking is that by the time they come in, it’s bad. Really bad. They are coming to see a marriage counsellor because a mother or a friend have said, “Don’t divorce before you try counselling”. So, they essentially have made up their mind, but they make an appointment. In essence, they are “dotting the i and crossing the t” by seeing a therapist before they end the relationship. There’s not a lot I can do in these situations when the thread that connects husband and wife has snapped before they enter my office.
In the old days…two or three generations ago, people lived in tight knit small communities. When there were marital struggles, it became apparent to the extended family and neighbors, and because of the close and regular contact people had with each other, it was natural for an aunt or a grandfather or neighbor to intervene. A spouse confided in someone who offered support to the couple. Or someone would pull him aside and point out that they’d seen him being nasty to his spouse when he’d had too much to drink at last week’s social at the hall. People butted into each others’ business and there was support and help for those who needed it to get their marriage back on track.
Now, no doubt, the system had its faults. People were nosy and it was invasive. Women were told to go back to their husbands and tolerate the abuse. The system was FAR from perfect. But in large part, it worked. The social fabric supported people to make it through the inevitable rough patches a relationship goes through, and to weather the storms of life with support from the community.
Now, many are isolated from family and our air conditioned houses with attached garages, and busy lifestyles mean that many experience significant relationship stress anonymously. There are few, if any, people to talk to and get support from. The family safety net may be nonexistent. Like it or not, the role of the marriage therapist is important given the societal and cultural shifts…each couple, I believe could benefit from a resource that they connect with regularly…either as a touchstone to ensure that things are still working, or a contact that is easy to go to when a rough patch is hit. All marriages hit a rough patch…it’s hard to begin going to a stranger to talk to someone to talk about how bad it is. That’s when it is helpful to have a contact who is familiar…and it’s good to have someone you can go to when the problem is a 2 or 3 out of 10. If you wait until it is an 8 or 9, it’s a lot harder. When people wait until it’s a 10 or 11…then, well, why wait so long.
People develop a relationship with a physician…go in for the annual physical…nip the high blood pressure when it’s present but not yet caused a stroke. Find out about cholesterol levels and address them early–we wouldn’t think it wise to wait until after the heart attack before talking to a physician about health…why do we wait so long with our marriages? Testing reveals osteoporosis long before a person breaks a bone…and treatment begins to prevent the body from crumbling. You go to ask the doctor about the lump when it is the size of the marble…we shake our heads at those who wait until it is the size of a baseball…but too many wait until they’ve got basketball sized problems in their marriage to seek help (if they seek it at all),
What will it take for people to pay as much attention to marital health as physical health?
A blog article from the New York Times recently said:
“You don’t wait to see the dentist until something hurts — you go for checkups on a regular basis,” said James V. C rdova, an associate professor of psychology at Clark University in Worcester, Mass., who wrote “The Marriage Checkup” (Jason Aronson, 2009). “That’s the model we’re testing. If people were to bring their marriages in for a checkup on an annual basis, would that provide the same sort of benefit that a physical health checkup would provide?”
Although Dr. C rdova and colleagues are still tallying the data, preliminary findings show that couples who take part in the program do experience improvements in marital quality. By working with couples before they are unhappy, the checkup identifies potentially “corrosive” behaviors and helps couples make small changes in communication style before their problems spiral out of control.
My recommendation to you is to make a contact with a marriage therapist…one that has been around for a while, and doesn’t seem like s/he is going anywhere…go in for a session or two to get to know the therapist. Get comfortable with the idea of seeing one before you need to see one, and establish a connection. Do a health relationship check with him/her if they have a program for that. If not, try a marriage check up on line. The Relate tool is a place to start…you can take it on your own for $40 US and get a fancy-shmancy report…it will give you something to talk about with each other and a therapist.
If you’ve birthed a child, you probably remember going to birthing classes, where the instructor insisted you practice positions and breathing well before you started labor…so that when labor hit, it was easier to go into a practiced mode of coping.
What I’m suggesting is a once or twice per year checkin with a therapist that may have some benefit like an oil change would have on a car…great maintenance. However, even more importantly, it builds in the experience of talking about your marriage with someone who is supportive and helpful…it’s REALLY TOUGH to do that for the first time when you’re already in crisis…and it will be too easy to postpone it until it’s too late. Know what if feels like to be talking about marital issues with a counsellor, find a counsellor you can work effectively with, and have them “in your back pocket” to pull out when needed.
Many go see a dentist, a chiropractor, a massage therapist, a physician, a specialist of some sort periodically to maintain their health or to “nip the problems in the bud”…they have a contact when things go sour…and can make the contact fast. Pay as much attention to your marital health as your physical health…for those who don’t pay attention to either, think about both.
You’ll not only be doing yourself a favor, but your spouse and your kids as well.
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